Our Forever Family

A Change

2012-01-10T12:47:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, almost exactly 4 years ago, I was very much broken. There were days I would just stay in bed, right until I absolutely had to get up. I was lost in my grief, and after a month of this, I decided to blog. I had been introduced to the concept from our friend Shauntelle as a way to keep her loved ones and friends informed as their daughter Kaidence (Ryker's next door neighbor at PCMC for 6 weeks) fought for her little life and thought it would be very healing. It most certainly was, and now, some 480 posts later, I am still blogging. I never really did this for any fame or to become rich, although there were times I was offered money from a few companies to place ads on the blog, but I ever really felt like that was the direction I wanted to take my blog in, with a bunch of annoying (we are talking not even remotely cute) ads that would just muddle up what I was trying to say. This was one of my first posts. It was raw, and I was just wanting to express 100% what I felt and why I needed this blog. I needed those comments, needed to feel validated, needed to feel the strength others gave as we grieved our babies, went through the hells of adoption, and than the roller coaster of bringing Jacob into this world. But as things finally settled down, I received less comments, and it almost made me sad, especially since I did not know what to blog about anymore as we had a miracle in our lives, which meant nearly zero comments. And I know that there are not as many that read this anymore, and that is okay with me. And I am okay with where our little blog is. After reading this article, I honestly felt like i had been smacked in the stomach with the truth of the article.

So this will be the last post with comments. It is not that I do not like the comments, I just feel I am at the point where I need to ease off the addiction of blogging and the internet. I do not want to look back in ten years and think of the ways I could have spent more time with my boys. You can always contact me by e-mail littleforeverfamily@gmail.com, but forgive me in my lack of posting here as I started back school yesterday and need even more to get off the computer, spend time with my babies and do some homework when I can. Thank-you for the love, for the support, and the many many comments. They really kept us going sometimes, and I would not be where I am without the support they offered. We will still update, as we can, because it helps us to record what our boys are doing. So until later.....

Content With What We Are..........

2011-12-19T23:32:00.001-08:00

“We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I was on Facebook tonight and stumbled across this quote. I want to get up on my soapbox for a few moments, and discuss this. I have never really fit into a group. I went through elementary school always well liked, had friends that were "cool", friends that were not, and I did not care either way. When I moved into Jr. High, I grew boobs, at like the age of 14 (yeah, it sucked for me actually.) So there were boys in my stake that I would flirt with and such, and I had a "boyfriend" for about 1/2 a year (who thank heavens broke up with me, because he was "cheating" on me, more than likely because I either put on a few pounds or he knew I would not put out.) But I had my best friends, had my family, and so I never really felt overly insecure.

I am way immature, even now, and you know would know that if you knew me, really knew me. I even annoy my husband sometimes, when I am around my family (yeah, we excuse ourselves for being immature by saying we are from west-by-gosh-virginia and did not lean any manners) not that my parents did not try to calm the zoo, we are just a wild bunch. (Case in point, holding siblings down and tickling them until they pee their pants, or having a brother jump in your face and fart. Yeah.) Anyways, I really did not even have an in-secure moment until eleventh grade band camp, when my best friend informed me I was embarrassing (and my sister) which may or may not have had something to do with shooting jello out of my nose and she actually meant it. It still did not faze me too much, just made me realize I probably did not fit in (nor would I) with the cooler band kids. I moved the end of my eleventh grade year to Florida, again had awesome friends, and moved the beginning of my senior year to Utah, and made some amazing friends that I still am best friends with (although the girls that were my age, in my ward, were not accepting or inviting, so I honestly just hung with the younger girls in those situations.)

So although I saw the competition amongst individuals in regards to social standings, I just never really felt the need to get into it. I liked being me, and being the truest me I could, was really all that mattered. And all of that stayed that way until about 4 1/2 years ago, when I came to work where I work now. You see, I work with women. And I work with a lot of them. I always say that the floor I work on (it is a mother/baby floor, yep, lots and lots of women and hormones-a-flying) oozes estrogen. I am always happy to go home to a house of boys after a few days of working. But it is the first time that I have felt the sting of working with women.

I seriously and honestly feel like it is a constant competition. I had never known that there were so many diets, or so many boob jobs going on, or a competition to see who had the nicer house, or the nicer car, or the nicer trip, etc, etc, etc. And here's the thing, it ALL goes back to this quote. There is something in the Utah/Utah-LDS community that is something like I have never seen. "We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.” This need to compete is something I have even seen in both my family and my in-laws. I think we just lose sight of what is important. I know I have. I want to be skinny, want to be healthy and look good, want the cute house, with the perfect little family, want to be successful and take the fun trips and post them to my facebook page. But at what point does all of that begin to get in the way of what matters? Will you or I ever be content in the competition? I am always saying, "when we have this or that, I will be happy." But sometimes, those thing do not happen, or happen in a way we did not plan them to. I know that we are trying for perfection, but I am not sure the perfection we are headed for is the kind that Marjorie Pay Hinkley would be smiling down upon.

How can I simplify my life? When my husband and I are in school, life is CRAZY! And now that we are not, for the moment, it still seems just as crazy! I know that I am supposed to go to school, but it still makes me stop and think. I feel like I am always trying to prove something. And sadly, that is mostly in dealing with family. I want people to see that I am smart, that Mike is a very hard worker, that my boys are super cute, etc, etc, etc. But I think that etc. is my downfall. Maybe I need to move away from the computer. I know I am addicted to technology. I wish I wasn't. Maybe that is where I can simplify my life. It would mean more time spent with my boys, more time with Mike, more time in my house, and more time doing service. I think I am going to have Mike hide the computer from me, at least until nap time tomorrow, and see how much more I get done.

Anyways, I hope I did not offend. I am trying to be more honest. I honestly do not like to hurt people. It goes against every instinct in my body to hurt anything or anyone, no matter what they have done to me. I try to forgive, even if someone is not sorry, or does not recognize the hurt they have caused, as I am a very sensitive person (I blame losing my babies, as it has made me even more of a teary soul.) So again, I just want to post this quote. And leave with the goal to be a better mom and wife tomorrow.

Friends

2011-12-18T09:21:00.000-08:00

Olive and Collin (Collin has since had a haircut, thank the shaggy heavens!)

Her American name is Gift, but her name really is Enobo (that more than likely is the wrong spelling though, sorry, I am not familiar with Nigerian spellings!)

It is interesting in taking these pictures, I do not think African typically smile during pictures, because Tui (the Dad) is the happiest smiliest person, and I could not get him to smile whenever I was taking pictures! Super cute family.

One of my biggest complaints when I moved to Utah is the lack of diversity, specifically in regards to the African American culture. I have lived in Ohio, West Virginia, and Florida, and there has always been a blend of cultures and colors of skin, Florida especially. So when I moved to Utah and saw so much white skin, it was actually quite alarming. I want my boys to see different skin colors, to learn to love and accept regardless of skin color. Utah has a rich culture of Polynesians and Latinos, and of course a dominant caucasian presence. But in the 1500 students at the high school I graduated from, I think we may have had one African American student. It may seem silly that this made me sad, but again, I love diversity. So last month, as I sat in church, I was pleasantly pleased to learn that we had a family move into our ward, that were originally from Nigeria. This cute family is remarkable. I cannot imagine moving thousands of miles, away from family and loved ones, moving to a completely different continent, different culture, with a different language. And the testimony of love that they share is something to behold. We have begun a friendship with this wonderful family that I hope will blossom into them considering us family. And their little girls are two of the most beautiful girls I have seen.

Cute Vera, she is 7 months old!

I am grateful to have this family as neighbors and in our folds as they are wonderful people.

Pictures of the Boys

2011-12-11T21:03:00.000-08:00

I realized today I never finished posting the pictures we had taken of the boys this last September. They were too cute to not share. So here they are, in random order :)

The Reason for the Season

2011-12-06T20:55:00.000-08:00

I adore these two boys. They can make me laugh, cry, pull-my-hair-out, yell, laugh and cry some more. Mike and I work 12 hour shifts at the hospital, and so there are no reinforcements walking through the door at 5, as we work until at least 6:30, sometimes 7 for Mike. So patience is something we most definitely have had to learn, since the days we are home these two cute boys are demanding the attention they want and should get. And I love sticking them in matching jammies and clothes, it is just too cute!

I have loved this time of year, more than years past. Collin has been excited about Christmas since August (oh yeah, this kid loves him some Christmas!) I always fancied myself the hard-core Christmas lover, but Collin puts me to shame. How many 2 year olds do you know that knows the words to almost every Christmas song there ever was, or yells at his parents for turning Christmas lights off? (don't worry, sassiness does not get far in our home.) Collin was actually the one who helped me decorate the tree, and string the cranberry/popcorn garland. *BTW, I am working on the Christmas tree post, so I will post pictures of that later this week! *

Their enthusiasm is just so catching. I am trying to instill in them the real meaning of Christmas. We have two toy set manger scenes, and they are played with both by Collin and Jacob. When you live in such a materialistic society, it is difficult to shun them from what Christmas has become, one filled with people fighting over toys and gadgets and making Christmas all about what you get, not what you give. So I am planning caroling, making goodies for neighbors, and we even get the blessing of sharing our Christmas with another family that is new to this country. That is what makes Christmas, stretching your heart to allow more love in. So while I know this next week will be hard with Ryker's angel day quickly approaching, I will look to the joy we will experience sharing the joy of our Savior, the greatest gift ever, with our sweet guys. And to end this post, I just want to share a sweet little movie.

Reminds me of my boys.

Merry Christmas!!!

In a Funk

2011-12-04T21:33:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been so happy and so sad all at once? That is me. I miss Ryker. Every Christmas song is a reminder of my life 4 years ago, and how next year it will be five years. Five Years. Wow. How does that happen? How does that much time pass? How has it been 4 years since I have held him, kissed his little hands and feet, kissed his sweet head. But yet I love this time of year, love seeing the boys so excited, love being yelled at by the almost 3 year old about how he does not like the Christmas lights turned off.

I think I may have found a way out of my funk this morning. While I was sitting at church, I decided that I am tired of being a Utah Mormon. This is nothing to offend, it is just how it is. I live in a pretty awesome ward. We are well loved and cared for, do not get me wrong by any means. But growing up, my ward was (and they actually still are) my family. You see, living in Ohio, West Virginia, and Florida collectively, we always lived in a ward where most of the people did not have other family close by, so we literally spent most of our holidays with one another. In Utah, most families have family all around. Most do not truly understand what it is like to rely on your ward as you would your family.

So I have decided to become what I once was, a non-Utah Mormon, although living in Utah this time. I want to really get to know my neighbors, have them over for dinners, holidays even, if they are willing. The purpose of our ward is to get to know each other, to love and support each other, and I need to do that better. I tire of the mediocrity. I am tired of selfish thinking. This is the time of year to give, to push yourself out of the comfort zone and live a Christ-like life. Lilly and Ryker taught me to be everything but selfish. They taught me to love, to appreciate the small and simple moments, to give of yourself and love some more. Hence my glee in sharing a Christmas carol or book with my boys, and the reason I am happy to hold my 13 month old as he sleeps in my arms because he wants held during a nap.

We are horrible at sleep training. But I asked this question to a friend: "how can you make a little miracle cry it out?" I think of myself 15 months or so ago. I think that if you had asked me about sleep training I would have laughed at you. We nearly lost Jacob. We came very near to not having sleepless nights and not having sweet Jacob in our home or life. He is incredibly sweet. He covers his ears during any raised voices, is so patient with Collin tormenting him, and just wants loved and snuggled. Even the physical therapist commented on how sweet Jacob is. That scares me. I am scarred. After having two celestial babies, and I need a naughty so they can stay around. So I will take my lack of sleep. Holding a sweet sleeping baby is way better.

Anyways, I need to get back to stringing cranberries and popcorn. I will post a picture of our tree this week, as it is lovely, with lots of sparkly lights and come tomorrow evening ornaments, I am already in love with it (and the divine smell of pine!) And after finals this week and next, we will be hitting our baking list!

To Do in 2012

2011-11-27T14:57:00.000-08:00

Can you believe we are just a little over a month from a new year? How will you end out 2011? I know there are some things I would like to do. I would love to do some more service, lose more weight, etc. So in thinking about these goals, I decided it may be good to set some New Years resolutions, and get a jump start during the month of December. So in no particular order:

- lose weight

- completely finish the Jillian Michael's Thirty Day Shred for a full 30 days

- grow an even larger garden with lots of pumpkins

- take a photography class

- possibly take a painting class

- run a 5k

- take goodies randomly to either friends, neighbors, co-workers once a month

- have Perrie over more

- have at least 4 get-togethers at our home

- have a fall harvest party

- paint our living room and dining room

- take my boys to the ocean

- not let clean loads of laundry stack up

- get A's in all of my classes

- have a girls' night every other month

- spend more time with our families

- have regular family home evenings

- watch less tv/ spend less time on the computer

- be diligent about reading the scriptures as a family

- eat even healthier

- fit into a cute bathing suit

I think that is a pretty good list. And I know, I may not get to all of them in the next year, but I sure can have fun while trying!

So what are your goals? What would you like to do in 2012.

Oh, and I had to share this:

"Perfection comes not in this life but in the next life. Don't demand things that are unreasonable. But demand of yourself improvement."-Russel M. Nelson

And than this wonderful movie.

Our Story

2011-11-21T14:26:00.000-08:00

So here it goes. The story of how our family became a family. And why sometimes, we are just alive and here (I say that a lot, when someone at work or church asks how we are doing) "I'm here."

Because really, sometimes that's enough.

I want to share the blog that inspired this letter. The blog is the story of Ruby. A must read in my opinion. Grab a box of tissues first.

This is long, but it is my story, better, my family's story. And I feel like it is something that needs to be shared today, especially as we head into Lilly's angel day on Friday. So here it is. And probably grab a few more tissues. It is pretty heartfelt and honest.

Ani,

I know you do not know me. I stumbled upon your blog today. I read it as I held my almost 3 year old and 1 year in old in my lap. I read it as tears poured down my face, and my almost 3 year old kept asking "are you sad momma, you okay?" and as my 1 year old just looked up concerned at his mom crying. I wish I could hug you, and let you know that although that pain never fades, the days get better, and you will cry less. The constant pain does fade.

When I found out I was pregnant with my first, I was already 7-8 weeks along. I had been so busy with a move, and changing jobs that it did not even occur to me my period was late. Ironically, my husband's identical twin and his wife had just announced the week before that they were expecting their first. At 17 weeks, we went into a gender ultrasound place in the mall, and found out our baby would be a little girl. At 20 weeks, I went in for my medical ultrasound and check-up. The technician said nothing to us about what she was seeing, she was too busy with a salesman who wanted to sell them this new ultrasound machine. So when I went into the midwife's office, and she told us there was a problem, our world came shattering down. After many specialist and many scans, we were told that we could abort or carry our baby girl, but that there was a mere 1% chance she would make it longer than an hour or two after birth.

At 37.5 weeks, I decided it was time, and after 20 hours of labor, Lilly came into our lives. She was born 3 hours after her cousin, October 18th, 2006 at 5 am via a c-section. They took her out and put her immediately under the warmer. They wrapped her up and told my husband to take her over to me to say goodbye. I kissed that sweet face, and told her how proud I was of her, what a blessing she was to her dad and I. All of a sudden, her heart started to beat a little harder, she began to pink up, and I kissed her and told my husband to take her out to our waiting family so they could enjoy a few precious moments with her.

I was wheeled back into the room, and she was there, being sung to and loved by our families. I am not sure Lilly was hardly ever put down. We took her home when she was 3 days old. Someone would come over almost every night to help us (best friends, sisters, moms, sister-in-laws, etc.) Each day was fraught with seizures, trying to get Lilly to eat something, and wondering if this would be her last day. She got sick the week of Thanksgiving, and when my mom left the Tuesday before, I told her I was worried about what would happen with Lilly while she was gone. Thanksgiving came, and after taking my husband to work (the day after at 6 am) I went up to my in-laws so that I could do some Christmas shopping. I kept thinking "oh, I will go shopping now" and would just keep putting it off. My sister-in-law was there with my niece, and my niece was laying on the floor, in front of a gas fire, so I laid Lilly next to her. I checked on her short while later, and she was blue. I immediately picked her up, and she was not breathing. I started crying, and I remember pleading with her to live. She started gasping and my stunned sister-in-law was finally able to yell for our mother-in-law. We immediately packed her into the car and rushed home to the oxygen that was at my house. While in my house, I remember grabbing the breast milk from the fridge, when the thought calmly crossed my mind "this will be the last time." We got ahold of her hospice nurse and she met us at the hospital. Since Lilly had been just little sick that week, we suspected she had aspirated at some point. The hospice nurse told us to take her home that it would not be long. My husband came down from his unit (we both work at the hospital) and we left. We went to lunch with our family as it was my father-in-law's birthday, while I pleaded on the phone for my parents to please hurry home from California, that I needed them. We spent the time at my in-laws, holding Lilly as she struggled to breathe and live. We gave her a blessing to release her, and late in the night, my husband and I went and laid with her in a bed, just holding her between us, showering love upon her. She held on for a whole day and a half, making it long enough so that my family could say goodbye to her, and than she passed sweetly from this world, while being held by her Dad.

Two weeks after we had Lilly, I told my husband that I wanted to start right away trying to have a baby, as I knew it would be helpful with healing to be able to hold onto hope that if something did happen to Lilly, our arms would not ache so badly from being empty. So 3 months after she passed away, we were expecting again. I was so nervous, but had been told to not worry, what she had was not a common condition that would be passed on. So at 16 weeks, with our little guy's brain looking perfect, we calmed down and finally starting enjoying the pregnancy. At 22 weeks, I went into the perinatologist to check our little guy out. My husband was in there with me for the first part of the scan. But he had to get back to his unit for work, so my mother-in-law came in while the specialist was scanning. Again our world was rocked. Our little boy had some obvious defects with his heart. We would later learn he was missing 1 1/2 chambers on the left side, and had a condition called hypoplastic left heart syndrome. We made the plan to deliver via c-section at the University of Utah Medical Center, where he would be transferred to Primary Children's Medical Center for the first of three heart surgeries. He was born shortly after 37 weeks, on October 27th, 2007, and had his first open-heart surgery at 5 days of age. It was horrible to hand him over, and than to have him come back so unbelievably swollen and sick. It literally made my stomach sick to see him, and realize what he had just been through. I ended up getting really sick and than had to be re-hospitalized, and did not see him for 3 days. He looked much better the next time I saw him. We had held Ryker each 4 times before his surgery, as he was intubated and very critical. At 3 weeks, while adjusting his feeding tube, they accidentally tore his stomach in 3 places and he was vomiting and pooping straight blood. They did an emergency surgery, and told us it would take 1 hour, and finally at 4 hours, they came and talked to us. He had received over 400 mls of blood product, and they had to remove quite a bit of his stomach, but he was finally stable. We spent the night of our anniversary in a sleeping room outside the PICU. Ryker continued to fight. He made me smile and cry each and every day. He had an incredibly strong spirit, but I knew he was hurting. At 6 weeks, they finally let me hold him. They worked that week to trial him off of the ventilator, and at exactly 7 weeks, we went up to see him extubated. We sat with him for 40 minutes, but as I had to return to work the night before and had barely slept, nor had I eaten or pumped in some time, we left to go and take care of those needs. We hurried and ate, and I told my husband that I would feel better if we went back up and he sat with him while I pumped, so we both went back up. We were chatting with another family (a distant cousin on my husband's side ironically whose son was born with the same condition as our son) when another nurse said we might want to get to Ryker's room.

They were re-intubating him, and I remember having a really bad feeling. I immediately called my parents and in-laws, and felt prompted to tell them to leave and come up, that I felt like something was wrong. I watched outside his room as his normal sats (while being intubated) of 75-85 dropped to 60, than 50, and than 30, and than stayed at 19. Being in the medical profession, I knew what was happening. But while I knew that, I did not want it. We had already been through this trial. I apparently started yelling "no, no, no" as they brought the crash cart outside Ryker's room. Our next door neighbor's mom came out and hugged me, telling me how sorry she was, and brought us some soft tissues. They brought the ECMO machine outside of his room, and the cardiothoracic surgeon showed up. He and the cardiologist scanned and re-scanned Ryker's heart, looking for the cause of what was causing all of this. Our parents arrived. The surgeon who had just repaired Ryker's heart seven weeks before came out and talked to us. We knew. We just knew. He told us our options. We could try and have them place him on ECMO, but the surgeon was concerned he would die before they could even get the cannulas in. Without a word to each other, my husband and I just looked at each other, and told him no, that it was Ryker's time to say goodbye. I went back into Ryker's room, as the sweet resident pushed dose after dose of EPI into him. We asked her keep him alive so that we could give him a name and blessing. The blessing was so sweet, as my husband named him and released him from this world, all in one blessing. I remember touching the resident's hand and saying "no more. It is okay. It is time to say goodbye." I started removing the wires and lines that I could. They had brought in two rocking chairs, and I asked them to get us a couch so that my husband and I could say goodbye to our baby with him in our arms. We sat down, and the nurse brought him over as the respiratory therapist continued bagging Ryker. We kissed our sweet baby. We told him how proud we were of him, that he had fought so valiantly. We told him how much we would miss him, and to stay near to us as he could. And than he was gone. Everyone took turns holding him, as besides my husband and I, the only one to hold him was my mom once. I remember about 10-15 minutes after he passed, feeling his spirit come back into the room, and to my side, and realizing that this was the spirit of my baby, but that of a young man's We held him for a few hours, and than said goodbye. I remember falling asleep that night, and awaking like I always did at 4 when I would normally pump and call the hospital. I remember going through that day and wishing we could just go back up to the hospital and pretend like none of this had happened. We buried him a week before Christmas. I hated Christmas that year. We even had already bought Ryker's Christmas presents, and taking them back to Target was excruciating, as the cashier asked if there was anything wrong with the little outfits and toys. I could not tell her "well yes, everything was wrong with them. They are for a little boy who sits in a morgue waiting for an autopsy and to than be buried.

We decided after everything to wait off on having more babies. I was not on any birth control though, because I did not see the point, as I had not even had a period since Having Ryker. 7 months later, we decided to start he adoption process. Two months later, we were on-line and waiting for the call. 6 months later, we got the call, and 5 weeks later, after quickly becoming foster parents because of some extenuating circumstances, we brought our baby boy, Collin, home. He was legally ours 9 months later, and sealed to us, and before we knew it he was one. When he was 13 months, I started feeling sick. Ever since having Ryker, my body had been doing strange things and having issues with being regular and in regards to ovulation. So I did not suspect pregnancy. But after talking to one of my co-workers, I decided the next day to buy a pregnancy test, just on a whim (and to prove her wrong.) Sure enough, we were pregnant. I was freaked. I saw perinatology every two weeks from 8 weeks on, and in-between I was seeing my OB. We did a CVS test at 12 weeks and found out we were having a boy. At 17 weeks, we did a full ultrasound (I had been getting them before, but this was the first time we could see anything really clearly and in de-tail.) Everything looked great. We could not see any issues with the chambers of the heart, although it was still a bit early. At 21 weeks, I went to cardiology (in-between Ryker and Collin, they had discovered there was some genetic link between my husband's heart defect and our son's, and we had a niece born 7 months later with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, but she is now 3.) So while they were scanning, I told my husband that I felt like there would be something wrong. Not anything major, but just something minor. And I was actually right. Our son had a suspected coarctation of the aorta, the same heart condition as my husband's. I was supposed to go back to perinatology for a scan the next week, but my brother came home from Afghanistan, and so at 23 weeks, at the perinatology appointment, our world came crashing down once more. This baby, for some unknown reason, had developed fluid around his lungs. He had developed a condition called Hydrops. We started going twice a week for scans, and they even did several drainings of fluid from around the lungs. At 26 weeks, they decided to perform a fetal surgery and place a permanent drain through me and into my baby, shunting his lungs from the fluid. This was a very painful procedure, but it was successful in saving our Jacob's life. I went on bed-rest at 33 1/2 weeks, due to preeclampsia, and delivered him at 36 weeks. I had become so sick from the pre-eclampsia so they decided to go ahead and get Jacob out. He only had C-PAP for about 2 hours after birth, and was transferred at 15 hours over to Primary's. He had heart surgery at 6 days, and was home on day 12. He did come home with a feeding tube and oxygen, but within the weeks after, he was able to get rid of them. Having Jacob was very healing. Many of the nurses that had taken care of Ryker took care of Jacob. And the fact that we were able to bring our baby home from Primary's was huge.

Now 4 and 5 years later after losing Lilly and Ryker, I miss them. There are days where it hurts a great bit. But most days, we do pretty well. The first year was excruciating, and some days and birthdays are worse than others. Lilly's birthday was hard this year because her cousin (whom shares the same birthday) had a princess party with friends, and had Lilly been alive, she would have been there. Sometimes I do not even need a reason. I love and miss them dearly. I know my boys know them, but I wish they could have REALLY known them. It also scares me that something will happen to Jacob, because he is so incredibly sweet, and I am not the only one to notice that. I have not had the greatest sleep since Jacob, but I really do not mind, because if something ever happened to him, I will have known I did not take those precious moments for granted.

Someday your heart will not ache so. Someday you will not cry every time you think of your sweet Ruby. However, Satan will always be there, trying to make you feel doubt, feel misery. That is when you will call on your personal guardian angel. She will come, and she will bring peace to you, and to your family. The spirit world is so very close. And while there is important work going on over there, none of that work is as important as watching over her family. I hope I did not sadden you further. I just wanted to know that Ruby has touched my life today, that your family has made a difference in sharing your and her story. We did not donate Lilly's organs. I wish we had. I wish I had known more. My hypoplastic left heart niece will need a heart transplant someday. Our Ryker, had he lived, would have needed one. I think putting the word out there about the need for organ transplant is a mission Ruby would be so very pleased with.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

Emily Gourley

A Letter and Explanation

2011-11-20T21:49:00.000-08:00

I stumbled upon an amazing blog. It made me cry. It was about one courageous little baby girl, and her 6-7 month fight with liver disease. The funny part about crying is that Collin is just so sympathetic. This is how it usually goes down.

me: sitting on the couch, bawling my eyes out. Jacob in my lap, looking up confused and bewildered, and concerned, all at one.
Collin: Momma, are you sad?
me: Yes, sweetheart, momma is sad.
Collin: It's okay momma, I kiss it better.

Have I mentioned I love this kid?

But I sent that sweet mom a letter. Because I know better than most what it is like to love and lose, essentially. (I say essentially, because I have lost them for now, and my heart yearns for when the time will come when I can hold the two of them in my arms.) Think about it, imagine those who are near and dear to you. Now imagine having to say goodbye to them, knowing that they are just fine, but not being able to call that person, or text them, or see pictures. I do have my own way of communicating with them, something I would never share here, because not only is it sacred but you all might see me as more nuts than I already come off.

Back to the note though. I wrote to her. It was long. Probably one of the longest e-mails I have ever written or sent. I will publish tomorrow what I wrote her, because it would be the one post to read that has our whole story (mostly, well as close as you can get.)

Did I mention my camera broke for good? Yeah. It's gone. Deciding what to do. I am thinking of going SLR. I think especially since my in-laws just gave us a couch, so now we will not have to buy one in the spring, so I am thinking of going for the nicer camera. We will see. I think it would be marvelous. And maybe I could learn a trick or two and make us money on the side (I am thinking while I am in PA school.) Anyways, I am off. I will be posting "the letter" tomorrow, so come back for that.

Anniversary

2011-11-20T07:51:00.000-08:00

I had the awesome opportunity 7 years ago today, of kneeling across from best friend and committing to him to share together the hard times, the good times, the happy moments and sad ones too. We committed to love each other, to hold to each other, and we were sealed together for time and all eternity. Growing up and talking about my religion (I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) to people who were not of my religion were always so drawn to the fact that in every other marriage ceremony, it is always "till death do you part." And not only does our sealing bind my husband and I together, but it binds our children to us. So that if we live the way we should, we will have Lilly and Ryker again to raise.

It blows my mind that it has been seven years. I can actually remember my parents celebrating their 7th anniversary (I was 5 and I actually have a pretty amazing memory that way.) We have been through 3 very scary pregnancies and deliveries, 1 very nerve-racking adoptions, what feels like countless semesters of school, the scary weeks and months worrying about money (I am not sure that will ever come to end, maybe if I inherit a couple of million!) and we still are so in love. Mike puts up with a lot. I swear quite often (I do try not to, I promise.) He puts up with my rants and fits. Even puts up with my bouts of road rage (I am not usually driving, I just do not have a strong liking to Utah drivers.) And I feel so grateful to have him. He is a wonderful father, an incredible husband, and such a hard worker. We are from perfect, but together, we offer such a wonderful balance. I look forward to many more years together with my best friend. He just makes me so happy. So honey, happy 7th anniversary. Thank-goodness for no 7-year itches here!

"Its My Turn Momma"

2011-11-14T20:23:00.000-08:00

We have a little independent soul in our house. Most kids say "I do it" but Collin's phrase is "its my turn." Brushing teeth, picking out books, eating dinner, washing hair, getting dressed, even picking up toys at times. Collin has always a more independent little boy, much more so than our snuggler Jacob, but it makes me sad and happy all at once. I was thinking today, before I know it, Collin and Jacob will be starting school, than graduating, going on missions, and than getting married with families of their own. And it made me sad. I love my boys. I always worry without having girls in the house, will Mike and I be alone for the holidays some day? I see it with one of Mike's aunt and uncle and it makes me sad. I hope i can be the kind of mom that makes my boys want to come home for the holidays.

My Boys

2011-11-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

I wish my computer had not crashed this last summer, because man do I miss my photoshop. (I now have a Mac, which is not compatible with the version of photoshop I own.) We were supposed to take family pictures in September, but we did not realize that Mike's schedule changed the same weekend we had them scheduled. So I am hoping in the spring to have family pictures taken (I love outside pictures and it is currently very cold in Utah.) But Mike has a cousin that likes to dabble in photography, and she took some really cute pictures of the boys.

Collin is now 3 months away from turning 3. I cannot believe this funny spunky little boy has been in our lives this long. Time just truly flies by. He now is potty trained (except at night and naps, although usually stays dry most of the night and even during naps) which makes us the happiest parents as two bottoms in diapers gets expensive! He ran around half naked for about 6-7 months while we were home, and it just clicked with him. We still give him small treats for number 2, but he is just so good to let is know.

He loves TV a bit too much, a bad habit he picked up last year when I was on bedrest. But he LOVES books probably more, and is always bringing us books to read to him. He is obsessed with Christmas, much to Mike's dismay and loves to listen to and sing Christmas songs, has a pretty decent "ho, ho, ho" and thinks Santa is pretty cool.

Collin is incredibly spunky. This morning, I went out the garage to get his shoes out of the car. He was standing at the door saying "no momma, its cold, come inside, you need your coat, you will get sick, come inside right now." Hmmm, apparently he is more perceptive than I thought. He still ha not sworn, which if you knew me, and my *cough* occasional shit, damn, or hell *cough* is pretty miraculous.

He has the most darling dimples, and when I get him ready for church on Sunday, he tells me "momma, I's handsome." He loves Jacob, and they both get so excited to see each other. Oddly enough, Collin is incredibly sweet to other children. The reason I find this somewhat odd is that he and his cousin Tatum fight, all. The. Time. They love each other, but after the novelty of being together wears off, it is like they could be brothers. But in nursery and with other kids, he is always sharing his snacks and toys.

On to Jacob. Jacob is incredibly sweet. He is so sweet and cuddly sometimes it scares me (I have a constant worry since Lilly and Ryker were so sweet that it seems like the cute sweet kind of spirits are the celestial variety and I don't ever want to lose another one of my children.) He wants to be held, something Collin did not like after he was about 6-7 months and so mobile. He is doing better at sleeping through the night, but still has nights where that does not happen.

In regards to development, Jacob is kind of mixed. He has great fine motor skills (those necessary to grasp little things) but his gross motor skills are behind. He rolls around, is becoming a pretty good butt-scooter, gets up and rock while he is on his hands and knees, can stand while somewhat supported, but that is where it ends. We are supposed to be getting an evaluation from Kids-on-the-Move but it has not happened yet. He loves to clap, will cover his eyes and play peek-a-boo with you, gives us kisses, and than wants to be snuggled some more. You would swear he was still breastfeeding as he is the biggest Momma's boy I know. He is happy, love to giggle and be tickled, and thinks that bath time is the bee's knees. We love him and he is just the sweetest happiest little addition in our family.

We are heading into the end of the semester for both Mike and I, so you may not see a post for another month, as the blessed Holiday season is upon us. Plus, Mike and I are celebrating our 7th anniversary next week (where did those years go) so I want to wish each and every one of you a Happy Thanksgiving. I am so very grateful for my family and all that they bless me with.

*And if you are wanting an invite the fitness blog, leave me a message with your e-mail. I do not publish any e-mail, BTW!

Jacob loves to eat.

A Fresh Start

2011-11-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

I have been secretly writing a blog about my weight loss. It is true, it is real, and currently it is private. I have not had the guts to share it with anyone. While that makes me feel safe, it also makes me feel frustrated as I can not share the good news. I started the blog when I was considering trying out for The Biggest Loser. So I am considering opening it to a select few. Like I said with my last post, I am not even sure that anyone reads this blog as I do not update very regularly. If you would like to read the blog (and the pictures are not pretty people!) leave your e-mail address. I probably will not invite everyone, because there are some people who do not understand what it is like to deal with real weight issues, so if you do not get an invite, please do no feel offended. This is hard to share this. But this journey is real.

And oh, I have even more of a reason to lose some weight. We are vacationing this next year, probably in the Western Caribbean (if we do not decide to go somewhere else with our littles!) and so that means me being in a swimsuit. So it is do or die!

Did You Miss Us?

2011-11-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

I would be amazed if anyone still reads this, as I basically left most people high and dry. And when it has been awhile between posts, I start to wonder why I keep up with it, as there are so many other blogs out there. But since I do not write for others, but as a record to my children that we do love them and we do try our best (that sort of feeling gets sketchy as little people turn into yucky teenagers) I continue to post.

There are a lot of pictures that you are about to be bombed with. Guess what? I finally found my camera. Yeah, it sadly went missing for awhile. So some of these are older, but still need to be shared.

Love these chubby little thighs! This was from early this summer. And I love those eyes!

We spent many an afternoon at the splash pads this summer. I miss those days, as it is already cold here in Utah! I would spend the time with my sister, her two little ones, and one of my best friends, Abby and her little guy. The three two year olds would run around while the moms would do their best to keep the two babies in the shade. It was a lovely way to pass the days!

Oh yes, the notorious baby lotion pictures. I think these were from back in May. This is what a 10 minute shower will get you. And no, the culprit was not Jacob. It was actually Collin, Jacob just offered his help in eating and smearing!

This handsome guy already knows he is handsome. He tells us all the time. "Momma, I's handsome" And he likes older girls. That's right, this little 2 1/2 year old would hang out with the 9-11 year old girls at the splash pad. They thought he was funny and cute. We are in so much trouble!

These are some of my favorite pictures. Mike had a really bad migraine on my birthday. It finally alleviated enough to be able to spend the day in one of my favorite ways: picking out pumpkins for our little porch! This patch had some pumpkins with personality too.

And last but not least, we had Jacob's (who actually shared with Collin) on year birthday party. This cake was 6 layers of cake, with buttercream frosting inbetween (yummy!) in yellows and oranges. It looked amazing when cut!

You will have to zoom in on this picture to see the beautiful colors of the cake. The party was a fall party. We had pumpkins galore, straw bales, yummy soups and rolls, lemonade, a delicious fruit salad, and of course, the cake. There were activities for the kids, a bean bag toss, a mix of tables and chairs with different quilts laid about, and lots of friends and family to help us celebrate. The pictures I have are thanks to a friend. I am sooo not very good at making sure we get the pictures.

Jacob the Skunk, Suzie the owl, Khloe the butterfly, Collin the pirate, and Tatum the pumpkin! It is quite funny that Collin is the only non-blonde of the nieces and nephews.

These are some of the pictures we took of the boys. I have not touched them all up, and there are even more that are so cute. I love my boys!

Overall, we have been just busy and happy. It is very much an emotional roller-coaster. This year was hard. My niece had her very first friend birthday party in celebration of her turning 5. This will always be bittersweet. i love seeing her grow up, but it hurts because Lilly would have been there (and maybe even was). She would be starting kindergarten next year. But than if we had not lost her, or Ryker, we would not have Collin.

Ryker would have turned 4 on the 27th. It was a hard day. For three days, I would just cry. I think the reason it hurts so much is that even though our minds say we are fine, our spirit's weep. They weep for the loss, and the hurt in our hearts.

So Happy Belated Birthday Sweet Ryker. We love you. We miss you. Help get your heart cousin buddy out of Primary's and home (if you could keep our niece Gracie in your prayers, and her sweet family, that would be awesome. She was readmitted yesterday as one little sick girl.)

Well, that is it for now. Off to do some more homework, and to go work some more on my little guy's busy books. So excited for the hoildays!

Here.

2011-10-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

Here I am, writing once again. My heart has not been in it. Nor my mind. I just think "why would anyone want to read what I am writing?" It is nothing earth-shattering, or shocking, so I just have not been able to get my heart in it. Jacob is turning one tomorrow. Lilly would have been 5 yesterday. So I will make this short, and post again tomorrow as I have fall break.

Happy birthday sweet baby. Thank-you for making me a mom, for giving me 5 amazing weeks to share with you. I loved every minute of it. And the pictures of adoration radiating from your dad, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, just are priceless. We miss you more than words could comrpehend, but know that you were just to much for this world, to perfect to have to see or face the ugly that this world seems to show all to often. Thank-you for allowing us to know you. We love you

baby girl.

An Very Very Unbirthday, to You, to You!

2011-08-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

So do you remember watching Alice in Wonderland (the Disney version) where Alice attends an un-birthday party? That is kind of what we had with my family on Saturday. My brother and his family are away, in Ohio, (where we lived when we were little) attending school, and so they came home for two weeks to visit. Their two sons (our nephews) both celebrate birthdays the first few days of August, so we planned a birthday-party/family BBQ/swim for the birthday party celebrations.

My sister Heather about to eat some un-birthday cake

Little Miss Suzie Mae

Well, my brother and two nephews got food poisoning, so we did the BBQ sans their family and my older sister (she was back in DC on a relaxation trip, lucky girl!) So you would think the party would have been ruined, but actually it turned out being very fun! Never knew I could have so much at an un-birthday party! With my younger brother away in Afghanistan this last year, it was just so nice to rest and relax and have a lot of fun.

Little Miss Khloe (Suzie and Khloe are both wearing a swimsuit I actually had bought

for our Pricess Lilly. I know she is smiling seeing her cloths being used!

Khloe's silly Dad, my little brother Jamie

If you know my family, my mom is ALWAYS notorious for bringing way too much food, so that you never leave hungry. So with her cooking, my dad's really yummy BBQ skills, and the extras that the rest of the kids brought, well, we were certainly just very well fed. And after we ate, the pavilion my parents had rented was right next to a swimming pool, so we took the nieces and nephews

over to swim.

We had a great time! The nieces and nephews had a blast playing with their uncle Jacob, and he had a great time teasing and playing with them. We even had birthday cake! What was pretty funny was the other two two year olds laying claim to the presents that were sitting out. We were eating and my sister started busting up laughing. We turned around and my funny little nephew and Collin were each opening a present. Since it was just a coloring book and puzzle book, we let them go to town (Ben and Erica, if you are reading this, we will have to ship you two replacement presents!)

Two of my sister in-laws, Lindsey and Amanda, and Jamie again, sitting in the pee-pool,

oops, I mean the kiddie pool!

My brother Jacob playing with Khloe and Tatum

Collin trying to swim

Amanda again (isn't she gorgeous?) She spent the last year having her husband

(my brother Jacob) in Afghanistan.

Collin and Tatum hugging it out.

Collin trying to fit into baby Jacob's hat

Jake with Baby Jacob

My brother Jacob really worried that his nieces and nephews would not remember him.

Fat chance of that, they all adore their uncle.

Collin was climbing the bars to the right, when we noticed and went running. Uncle Jacob got there first and moved Collin to a lower set of bars. He honestly just has no fear!

It was just actually really relaxing, and it was nice to just be together, to have my brother Jacob there after surviving the hells of Afghanistan. It makes me a little teary just thinking about what a great time we had all together. So despite our problems and funny stupid quirks, I truly could not have asked for a better family. I think what I learned from this is just accepting that we are all very different, but when there is a lot of love, that can overcome any boundaries we may have.

Just for the Women

2011-08-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

If you are a guy that happens to read this blog, you probably may want to end reading this post right about now. Okay, no more boys, right? Lets get to it then.

So growing up with seven children in my family, money was tight. It was one of the reasons I wanted a job as soon as I turned 16, and wanted to be able to drive to do so. So it was no surprise that when I was right around twelve and grew the ultra embarrassing boob (as a mere 6th grader, mind you) my older sister took me bra shopping. We have come a long way from the days of buying bras at Wal-Mart (and if you still are, well stop and keep reading.) From 9th grade on, I considered boobs to be a scourge. My best friend and I used to wish that there was some way to take some from me and transplant it to her, thus evening us both out. So at the tender age of 19, just about 7 months after graduating high school, I decided to have them cut down to a more normal size. Besides the whole issue of not being able to breastfeed 100%, it was hands down, probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. I was able to wear normal clothes, the bruising where my breasts were went away, and the ridges in my shoulder faded.

So once I was cleared at the 6 month mark of being able to wear underwire once again, I headed off to Nordstroms. My decision of heading to Nordstroms was definitely up there with having the boobs, well cut off (sorry, I honestly cannot think of a more appropriate way to say that!) The women that work in the Nordstrom's intimates department are angels. Now I know what you are thinking (besides thinking this all is just WAY TOO T.M.I. Emily!) those kind of bras are expensive. I will get to your chain of thinking in a moment.

When I married Mike, I had to change a lot of my old habits. In some ways, this was a great change. In others, it made it to where I actually wasted money. (Now I need to add here, that while in my first year of marriage, I gained 30 pounds, so many of my bras and clothes stopped fitting.) One of the habits I kicked was buying the nice bras. I started buying my bras at Kohls, and Target, spedning around $15, and guess what? They not only truly did not fit or work the way they were supposed to, but they all broke, probably within the year of buying them. It was truly stupid and probably wasteful. Now I am not saying you cannot get a decent bra at Kohls, but this is something we wear every day ladies! Nearly seven years later (just last month) I went with my older sister, once again to Nordstroms. She had some returns to the intimates department (they sell everything from bras, Spanx, slips, pajamas, you name it) so we decided to both be fitted for bras. Now here is the somewhat sad part. My lovely chest grew while pregnant with Jacob, and sadly never went back down. That is okay, I am losing weight and it still is not near as bad as when I was 19. So while I was trying to squeeze into that cheap Kohl's bra, by size had changed (this might have attributed to the demise of two bras in the last year.) My cup size went up two sizes ( I know, not too happy about that) but my band with had come down 4 inches from what I had been wearing.

There was a sale going on, and here is what the moral of this very long post is. Ladies, invest in yourselves. The bra I bought is the most comfortable bra I have ever owned. It separates, it lifts, it does what it is was made to do. Too often as women, as mothers, as wives, we place ourselves on the back-burner. I do not make a lot of money. But going in to get fitted, and buying a bra that not only makes me comfortable but makes me feel more confident and better about myself, I do not think I could truly place a price on that. So my advice, go and get fitted, go find a bra that does what it is supposed to. And again, apologies for the T.M.I.

*Just a note here: while I love my mom, and while she did teach me much, most of what I have learned about caring for myself has been to me by my sister Megan. So Megan: thank-you for filling in for mom and teaching me to appreciate a great bra!

I Love Fall

2011-08-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

I know what you all are thinking: is she crazy? School has not even started yet. Oh, I know this. But I also know that I walked through Target the other day, and school shopping is in full-swing. And my classes start in less than three weeks. So for me, that means my favorite time of year is just around the corner. And with a mere three weeks left until I start my 9 credit hours, while working part time, trying to exercise, keep up a house, be a wife and mother, I am not going to have the usual time I have in the past. So I had better get to hopping!

Not sure why it is I love Fall so much. It could be that my birthday (and nearly 70 % of my family's too) is in fall. It could be my growing up in Ohio and attending a steam engine show (if you do not know what a steam engine is, please google it!) and camping with my family at the show the first weekend of fall every year. (The steam engine show was at Malabar farms in Ohio, where I think Grace Kelly was married, but do not quote me on that and where there were crafts, hay rides, and indian village and crafts and yummy food that left me in such a state of happiness.)

Or it could be growing up on 40 acres of land in West Virginia, situated right on the Shenandoah river with the Blue Ridge mountains rolling right behind the river. The colors were brilliant and so beautiful. And the fall festivals, well, I just could go on and on about those.

I am not sure what makes me love the fall so much, but I do. I love to craft this time of year. I am even starting to plan Jacob's birthday party in a fall festival theme (although we will not actually be celebrating Collin's birthday, I want to give him something fun since he did not get a party because of Jacob and him being sick really quite sick with RSV this year on his birthday) so Jacob's birthday celebration is kind of Collin's party too.

So in my 3 weeks left of freedom, and when I do have the spare moments that I am not being beckoned elsewhere, I want to make a few crafts.

I do not plan on even trying to make all of these (not completely crazy here!) but a few of these would be just right for our home and could also be used a decorations for the Fall Festival birthday celebration!

Have I mentioned I love felted wool too? I am kind of a sucker for it. And for garlands and wreaths.

The pumpkins below are darling, but these, the acorns, and the lanterns are all projects I would buy before making at this point. Maybe next year?

For my next few weeks, I definitely want to make the leaf and candy corn garlands, tweaking it a bit in color and style. I also want to make a few of the burlap signs as they would also make some cute birthday presents!

The wreath below just makes me smile! Love the felted wool. It is just so pretty!

And the garland below just kills me. I am also a sucker for sparkles, and that fine glitter just makes the garland pop.

I have already made some of these in a birthday theme in the past for Collin, and they really are so easy. Love the fabric banners.

And this wreath above would be great for all year. I just had to throw it in there.

So there you have it. I cannot wait for the birthday party. I am thinking of doing fall games, letting each family pick a pumpkin (we seem to be popping with pumpkins in our garden!) and having some delicious soups. And barring any inclement weather, it can be done outside, which works well with such a large family group.

So happy almost fall!

Just Keep Walking.....

2011-08-07T03:00:00.000-07:00

This is the mantra I repeat over and over again in my mind. "Just keep walking (or running) just keep walking" so that I just keep at it. My walk/jog is truly a love&hate relationship. I love being out in nature, love the scenery, love what it is doing for my health. I hate the heat, have not enjoyed the extreme heat mixed with humidity (I did not even have to put on lotion up till this last week!) and hate getting up and moving when I am so tired.

But the walk is GORGEOUS! I love walking up the very steep hill because this house near the top is stunning. It is kind of the architecture I grew up, not very Utahish and we love walking by their field of horses and chickens (or better, Collin loves it!)

These two pictures do not begin to do this hill justice. It kicks butt!

But when you reach the summit, this is the beauty you behold. I may not think Utah is the prettiest state ( I love the green and brown is not really my thing) but the mountains are stunning, with the LDS temples dotting the valley.

And this view is even cuter! Jacob snoozes away on our little over one hour walk, while Collin eats his snacks. (There are healthy snacks served too!)

And look at those eyes. Collin is sadly already in love with girls. He was hanging out with a ten year old and an eleven year old at the splash park today. Geez, we are in for it once he hits puberty!

And here are my two happy boys with the stunning back-round!

These two are so silly!

We love our walks (most days!) Collin is always trying to keep an eye on his brother, make sure he has a constant supply of snacks he is not allowed to have, and not-so lovingly will hand unwanted toys or books over, usually putting them in Jacob's face. But Jacob is pretty easy going about it all. There is always a Popsicle at the end and a cold drink for these cute boys. I love my walk/jog with these cute two boys. They are the reason I walk, the reason I want to be healthy.

And I would not have it any other way!

Pretties

2011-08-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

I LOVE Etsy! If I had no responsibility in the world, I could honestly spend hours there! But I cannot, so now, before school starts this month, I can use my time before falling asleep to spend a bit of time there. I am one of those girls who loves to plan parties, loves to think about the birthdays I could only dream of, as well as the changes I would make now if I were getting married again (like just keeping it simple, with family and close friends, with a dinner, dancing, no reception line, you know?) I also love the styling of vintage dresses, (and really and truly, I have the body for the 40's and 50's, as they flatter the top part of the body, and hide the hips and bottom! ;)

I love this dress! If it were not so pricey, I would honestly have to just buy it to look good on a date or on Sundays.

And this petticoat would just be darling and would truly make it pop!

I am a sucker for Australia. It is somewhere I would love to visit, and I love sitting and listening to anyone with an Australian accent. So it is no surprise I would love this dress, as it's designer is Australian. What a GORGEOUS and lucky bride!

And I would probably have a modest version of one of these two dresses for the reception/dinner because it would just be perfect! I love the gorgeous shades of blue!

And these non-real floral bouquets made with broaches instead are just stunning! (I think when the last of my family gets married, who happens to be the baby of the family) gets married I am going to try to talk her into one of these. She loves a good broach as much as I do!

And these sweet dresses would look so cute on a couple of my darling nieces *note: there were no nieces or Grandkids when Mike and I got married as we were the first to get married on his side and only the second on my side!*

They are so cute, I may just have to find a pattern and make them for my cute nieces, since buying them would cost almost as much as my wedding dress seven years ago!

And gone are the traditional huge veils and tiaras that I wore on my wedding day. In are the beautiful vintage lace hats, combs, and floral head pieces that are stunning!

This jewelry makes me drool, and it is something I could wear now!

My personal favorites are the stunning blue and the third one down with the dainty flower, pearl, and crystal strands prospectively.

And although I have actually never owned a suit, someday, (as I am working to lose weight!) I would love wearing this to the Physician Assistant interviews at the schools I will apply to, but it could also double for some lucky gal's wedding exit suit. Simply darling.

These are ALL available on Etsy, and a link to most of them can be found here!

Thanks for even reading this. It is probably boring the heck out of everyone else, but I just had to share!

Summer Fun

2011-08-01T15:48:00.000-07:00

I said we were busy, although I truly do not have enough photographic evidence to prove it! But here is some.

Every summer in Utah, each city/town has a festival or celebration of some sort. There are Strawberry Days, Onion Days, the Freedom Festival, Steel Days, and the list goes on and on. While I did not have my camera for a few of these celebrations we attended (there are carnivals, rodeos, fireworks, parades and such) I did finally snap a few from this last week.

Collin LOVES carnivals! About every morning he wakes up and says "I want to go to the carnival" (which sounds more like car-vil but we get 100% get it!) He asks and begs, and most of the time, there is not a local carnival going on, until this last week. Collin loves to ride the rides.

He is fearless and oh-so-funny! He wanted to ride the chicken on the carousel. This carnival was so well attended that Collin was able to ride the carousel with just Dad, with Mom and Jacob watching!

He jumped in the jump-house and went down the big slide, and wanted more when it was done. He had a blast! Jacob just watched, although next year, it will be a whole other story I know!

Hi....

2011-07-25T16:57:00.000-07:00

We are still here. Still alive, still happy and healthy. Our computer decided to pass on into computer heaven and my phone does not allow me to post. So it will just be an update, with a few pictures. We have been busy this summer. We do the parks, water, friends and cousins, and all of that combined makes for two tired people by the end of the day: mom and dad! Jacob is doing great. Other than the constant drool and endless runny noses from having tooth after tooth come in, he is great. He got the all clear from his cardiologist, so we will not see him until next summer, and the pulmonologist we see again in October. He is in physical therapy so that we can get his stomach muscles strong and to stretch his neck muscles. He is doing well. Not far off from crawling. He is really smiley, only wakes up once a night for about 10 minutes to eat, and is off to bed. He loves to eat, even growls at us when we do not share our food. He weighs in at 20 1/2 pounds, which is actually already half a pound more than Collin weighed at a year, and he just turned 9 months. He is short but so very sweet with just a happy little disposition.

Collin loves being a big brother. He and Jacob are so funny together, always making each other laugh and smile. It cracks me up when we are in the car and they keep making each other laugh. Collin adores his Grandparents, loves to hand with the cousins, and makes friends everywhere. He will make a friend every time we go to the park. He can be the sweetest two year old and the next moment he will be raising hell. Gotta love this stage. He loves his books, loves to be outside, and is fascinated with bugs, although does not like to touch them, just likes to watch!

I am still working on losing weight. I have lost 16 pounds since I started. I eat right (with some of the not so great food a once in awhile) and the occasional s'more here and there (more-so the toasty marshmallows!) I walk 3-5 times a week, for about 1-2 hours. It is interesting losing weight after giving birth to three children. The body does not bounce back like it once did! But I keep working at it, and my aim is a pound a week.

Mike and I are both about ready to start back to school in less than a month. It is going to be busy and hard, but will be worth it in the end. I am going to be shadowing a few of the PA's that I work with at the hospital. I just really want to see them at work, as I have read a lot about what a PA does, now I would like too see what they do in real life.

So there's the update. I make no promises when I will post again. I try not to make it too long between posts, but life can just get busy. :)

I know. And I am sorry. (Photo-Bomb)

2011-06-16T22:03:00.000-07:00

With my computer on the fritz, as well as my children with the nasty bugs they seem to get (Jacob especially) I have not been able to post.And honestly, I started this almost a month ago. My boys keep me busy, both during the night and day! Someday I will sleep, right?

And looking at these pictures, I cannot believe how much bigger Jacob is from these, in just a month's time! He has chubbier cheeks and thighs. And he sits all by himself (falls once-in-awhile) and has NO interest in being on his belly without crying and crying. He would rather butt-scoot around!

We saw the pulmonologist, and he said Jacob is doing well, but will not diagnose asthma until he is a year old, so we go back in October. He wants him to be tested for allergies in August, so we will do that than. He goes back to cardiology next month, and hopefully he will get a clean bill of health and move to once a year visits.

We had a new niece join the family two weeks ago tomorrow. Her name is Suzie and we just adore her! Not too many nieces on my side. Lilly was the first, and than the only other little gal is my one year old cute niece Khloe! Gotta love all the boys we seem to have.

Collin is so cute and smart. He can be the biggest stinker and sweetest guy in mere moments. I love the sweetness he brings to our home. He reminds us to bless the food, and to read scriptures. And he still loves books and Disney movies, oh, and Curious George. He and Jacob take baths together, and he loves his little brother. He just absorbs everything and still has not said a swear word, a miracle with a mother like me! (I hate to admit it, but I occasionally swear, using an occasional sh**, dam*, or hell.)

We got our garden in (thanks to our amazing ward!) and still love living in our house. We love being able to let the boys play and be outside.

The biggest news for me is : I am going back to school. This is big for me, because what I want to be (I have finally figured it out at 27!) is a Physician's Assistant. I contemplated medical school, but decided it was not fair or a good fit for me or my family. So I am going back this fall for some on-line classes, and will starting full-time in the winter. I will probably go year round, so that I can be done and apply for the school. I have to get my bachelors, probably in a humanities area and than my senior year I can apply to a PA program. They only have 1 PA program here in Utah, 2 in Idaho, I think 2 in Arizona, and about 20 programs 2-3 hours from where I grew up outside of DC. So there is a good chance we will have to move away in a few years to attend school. The three years will pass quickly. There is a chance I could get into University of Utah's PA program, but since it is tied for the second ranking in the entire US for PA schools, I cannot count on it.

With going to PA school in a few years, I decided that with the competitive interview process and the nature of being a PA and working with patients to become healthy, I figured I needed to start with myself. So about 2 1/2 weeks ago, I started walking 3-4 times a week (1-2 hour walks) and eating the best I have ever eaten. And I have already lost 7 pounds. So I will be continuing that.

I think that is a good start with coming back to blogging. I am not promising that I will be perfect, but I will do better!

Jacob and Collin

2011-04-10T22:22:00.000-07:00

So I know I have been, well, not so great at updating about our comings and goings. So here we go.

Jacob will be 6 months on the 20th of this month (crazy, huh?!) He is so sweet. Everyone who gets to watch him always tells me how happy he is, so smiley, and just such a chill baby.

That is exactly what he is (except when really sick.) I can tell his lungs are not exactly up to par, especially when fighting the junk, and so we will be seeing the pulmonologist next month. I can not even find a picture of Jacob smiling, as the second the camera or phone is in his face, he gets this puzzled look.

He sleeps pretty well when he feels good, waking one to two times a night (usually around 10 pm and than again at 5, but has slept once 10 hours straight and will sleep usually around 7 hour stretches at night.)

I love his cute chubby thighs. They are so squishy and oohhh so squeezable!!!

Jacob rolls over when he wants to (never on demand :) and will "talk" to you and tell you stories. He loves to bat at toys, loves to be read to, sadly loves to try and find the TV when it is on, has tried baby oatmeal twice, but just seems to like his milk. Jacob is in size 6-12 months clothes (he has chubby thighs and a round middle) and it just kills me when he grows out of clothes. He gets so excited when you talk to him, and is constantly marching. praying, and eating his hands (he kicks his legs and we call it marching, and he always has his hands clasped like he is praying so my sister tells him he is praying!)

He loves his Dad, might adore his mom a smidge more, and sometimes wonders "what the heck?" in regards to Collin. He loves his baths, which I am not sure why as he takes them with his brother and they get a bit crazy. He just loves to hang out, does not really fuss or cry. He just is a happy little guy.

His cousin Ryan is only 5 physical weeks older, but technically about two months with Jacob being a month early, but Ryan is such a tank that Jacob just dwarfs in comparison, as he is about 2 pounds lighter.

Collin has quite the personality. Never a dull day or moment with this little boy. He can be such a little turd and such a sweetheart, all at once. We have been working on potty training, something he surprisingly is catching easily on to. He loves, loves, loves to be outside. His favorite part of being outside is seeing our neighbor's chickens. He will hear them and get so excited. He also likes to pick any blooming flowers.

He loves Jacob, although sometimes he loves him so much it hurts Jacob (thank-goodness he is so easy going!) He adores his Grandparents, and pretty much every other family member. He constantly begs to see the Grandparents and Tatum, Heather, Cody, Mimi, Abby, Gracie, Xander, Klo-klo (Khloe) Amanda, Millie, Meggie and Jim, and will be terribly sad when he has to leave anyone's presence. He tells us he has "fun" when he comes home from visiting anywhere, and just amazes us with just how smart he is. They grow and learn so much, so very quickly. He no longer sleeps in his crib. We moved him to his big boy bed when we moved, but he would still nap in his crib up until about 3 weeks ago, when he started refusing. He remembers books, the words used repetitively in them, and will remember the next day if you tell him the night before that he gets to go somewhere or visit someone. It is incredible just how much he remembers.

Anyways, we love our two little boys so very much and are longing for the warmer weather so we can continue to be outside. So that's about it for now!

I wish......

2011-04-07T15:08:00.000-07:00

that I could do this....

and this......

and this....

and this.....

and this....

If I only had this.

So I am hoping to win it from here, and maybe someday, I will be able to do all of that!

*All images used from some very talented letterpress artists via Etsy!

My Life-Long Struggle (Continued)

2011-04-05T13:39:00.000-07:00

Here I am, one month into my goal of losing weight, and I am down 8-10 lbs (depending on the time of day.) What am I currently doing? Because I have a lot to lose, I decided I just 100% just need to get more active, which means getting out of my house, off my computer, and doing something. I have been eating better, I've only had a real fast food meal once, and have cut down on the sweets. I have been walking (I even walked to the grocery store today:), took a Zumba class, and have been doing a lot of yard work. But I think it is time to up my weight loss challenge. I was reading one of the local newscaster's Facebook page and she is doing a 30 day no treats/candy/junk-food challenge, and I am thinking I will do it right along with her. I know it will suck, but I think it will be the necessary jump-start I need. Now the question is, do I throw out all of the junk in my house and make Mike kind of do it along with me, at least while he is at home, or do I face myself with the temptation every time I walk into the kitchen?

I am still working on my video, and have to get it done and in pretty quickly as the deadline is looming (this Friday!) So I am getting on it, and will get it done! My goal for this week is to work on portion control. I am thinking about opening my weight loss blog up and just letting it out there. It's time to be accountable for where I am. Now if I could just work on the sleep factor......

"Hey Girl~You are Beautiful!!!"

2011-03-29T21:14:00.000-07:00

So I have been trying to work on my video for the Biggest Loser. I am a big girl, obviously, or I would not be going out for the Biggest Loser. My sister shared a video with me, from the singer Mika, and I love it. I know I have to change, and I am making those steps to change. But something that I will have to learn to do, no matter what my size is, is to learn to love myself. So here you go,

I live in an area where I have never seen such an emphasis on how good you look. I am sure it can be chalked up to a culture where everyone is trying to be so perfect, trying to have the best house, the best jobs, the best gardens, the cutest Sunday clothes, and most important: the best body. I would be lying if I told you that losing weight was not about looking cuter, or being able to fit into cuter clothing. It is a 100% added perk, but mainly I need to be healthy for my family. I grew up with an obese mother, and I do not want my kids to have that. So just as I will lose this weight, pound by pound, I will learn to love me for me, fat or not, a little bit more each day.Because hey big girl, you are beautiful (and you lucky skinnies out there too!)

*BTW, I may or may not have danced to this song in a sports bra and tight shorts. I shudder now at the thought. :P *

Craziness in Life

2011-03-21T14:47:00.000-07:00

I have not posted in a little while. Life just gets a bit crazy. Mostly, besides playing with kids, fighting the never-ending war on laundry, and than trying to keep up with housework, I have been spending my time on the phone with various medical offices we have been blessed to frequent. By the end of this year, we will have PAID $14,000 in medical costs over the last 5 years. It makes me want to cry. And we are fortunate to have insurance, because that 5 day $10,000 fancy stay in Pediatrics 3-4 weeks ago would have alone pretty much bankrupted us. I know it can be worse, and I am grateful for my kids, but paying these bills reminds me so much of having Lilly and Ryker and having to pay for them, long after they had passed away. And I felt like it was so unfair. And I feel like it is still so unfair. To me, it feels like I am putting a price tag on my children, and they are just so priceless to me. It is silly that this brings up so much emotion and feeling, but it just does.

My other occupation right now is weight loss and trying to get a video done for the biggest loser. I just do not feel very creative about this project, and what I want to convey is something so precious to me. The story of my children is just such a story and I am not sure what words to convey the love, the emotion, and the awe of how special they are, and how the loss and stress has made me an emotional eater. And I need it to be amazing, to get the casting directors' attention. I know it will be so hard to leave my family, but while reading a book "Running With Angels", which is a book where I feel like I am nearly reading my own words and stories, I have realized I need to be a little selfish and take that time for me. So cross your fingers, offer suggestions for what to do for this video, and help me to be able to do it. It had been long overdue to reclaim my health.

I will have to post some pictures this week, because Collin turned one and Jacob turned 5 months yesterday!

Blog Links

2011-03-11T19:34:00.000-08:00

So my blog still is not finished with the updates, since in the midst of making the changes I got sick, and than Jacob was put in the hospital. But I managed to lose my links to the blogs of my friends, families, and more with the changes. So could you all please leave a post with the link, so that I can re-link (or you can also e-mail me at littleforeverfamily@gmail.com!) Thank-you, I hate not being able to read what is happening with everyone!

My Life-Long Struggle

2011-03-06T21:09:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am a broken record some times. I remember being nine, and reading an article in a newspaper about girls and teens and their issue with body image. And I remember at the tender age of nine thinking "am I fat?" And because of mean girls I grew up with in Ohio, I thought I was. I was never really fat growing up. But what one person finds to be "fat" is another person's skinny, and vice versa. I was standing in the nursery this weekend at work, listening to some of my friends and co-workers trash their bodies and how they looked. Now I was looking at these women, thinking, "wow, I wish I could look like them." And I told them so.

One of the hardest parts after having Ryker and now Jacob is dealing with how I look after. Things hang differently, and your body is just different. And today I hit the breaking point of frustrations. I wish I was happy in my skin, and I do realize that no matter how thin or fat I am, that until I learn to love me, it will not matter. But part of feeling better and learning to love myself is striving to become healthy, mentally and physically. But even though I know what to do (less calories, healthy food choices, exercise and a more active lifestyle) I do not know where to start. I am not one for the fad dieting, I need to make the permanent changes in my life so that I can be healthier, and happier.

But again, where do I start? I love Weight Watchers, but I cannot take my boys to the meetings nor can I go to a consistent meeting because of working every other weekend. And I like to walk, but do not own a double stroller. So I need some help, need some tips. I need to make this happen, make it a permanent change. I am also going to start writing on my weight loss blog, something I will allow others to read someday, just not right now. So here's to a new week, a new start.

I Feel Blessed

2011-03-03T21:27:00.000-08:00

I had the wonderful opportunity to be able to chat with a few angel heart moms tonight. These were 4 women who unknowingly saw me through some of the darkest hours of my life. When you lose a child, you become part of a club. It is not a club you ever want to be part of, but one you have joined none-the-less. I count these women as some of my dearest friends. They know what it is like to get the horrible news that your baby has a serious medical problem, they have loved and watched their little ones, and than said goodbye to their sweet angels, and than had to move on with life. The moving on is the worst part. Your little one is gone from your arms, people are moving on with their lives, at times forgetting those special days, which just makes it hurt even worse. The pain, the having to mourn and go through the motions of living, and missing your little ones so bad that it physically hurts just feels like too much. It feels as if someone has stuck a knife in your chest, and there is nothing you can do. And you feel alone, that no one really around you understands, and that life will never bring happiness. And when all just seems dark, you see a light, or several lights. There are other who you can turn to, who understand the pain of that knife, and the ache of empty arms. And so we mourn with one another, talked about our frustrations, lent a listening ear, and went on living.

Talking with them tonight, over yummy food, I just felt such a love and sisterhood. They are each so remarkable to me, each with different strengths. I just felt so tremendously blessed to be able to spend time with them. I feel blessed that Mike after working 12 long hours at work was willing to come home and send me off while he put the boys to bed. I feel blessed to be a mom to two little miracles, miracles in their own different ways. Now if we could avoid any more of the sickies this winter I would be one ecstatic momma.

And I just wanted to add a thank-you to those who are spreading the word about our need for milk. We appreciate more than words could begin to express. The donations are truly priceless!

Still Looking For Milk

2011-03-02T14:17:00.000-08:00

We just ran out of the little milk that we had left for Jacob. I know to many it is an odd request, but it is a tremendous blessing to Jacob. We have been giving him formula for the last day and since he started spitting up (shooting out of his nose and mouth) and when we suction we all of a sudden are getting quite a bit of milky junk, something that was not happening with breast milk. My e-mail is littleforeverfamily@gmail.com. We will cover milk bag supplies and are willing to travel in Northern Utah to pick milk up. Thank-you in advance!!!

Sick Baby

2011-02-26T21:03:00.000-08:00

So we ended up back at the hospital this week. I kind of had a feeling it would happen. Tuesday evening Jacob was breathing fast. He fell asleep and seemed okay but woke up at midnight just huffing and puffing. His respiration rate was in the 80's (normal for Jacob is 20-60) and he was retracting and grunting. I took him in and his oxygen saturations were in the 80's and he was indeed in respiratory distress. They admitted him from the suction clinic and we just came home this afternoon around 4pm. I am tired, as it has been a very long week. We still have to go back for suctioning and he is still breathing fast at times, but it is just nice to be out of there. Jacob was pretty dang cute through it all. He loved flirting with the nurses and respiratory therapists. He even tried charming those of the male persuasion with his cute smiles and babbles. I find it funny that Jacob getting sick marked the point where we really are starting to see Jacob's personality. He is just peaceful and sweet, something our little family needs. I am hoping next week will mark us all healthy with no more suctioning. I am signing off as I am tired. I will have to post of a picture of my sick little guy!

Happy Birthday Collin!!!!

2011-02-22T08:33:00.000-08:00

Guess who is a brand new little two year old today??? This kid can be the biggest little turkey and the most adorable little guy all at once. He is learning new words every day and his talking can make just about anyone melt or laugh. When you ask him who loves him, he will list off his family and friends that he knows love him (and it is a LONG list.) I think of Collin's birth mom today and the amazing decision she made to change and bless our lives forever. I know someday she will want to to meet him,
but I have no doubt she is thinking of him today.

I feel bad that we are all sick for his special day, but in three weeks when our family are back in town, we will party-hearty!!! Happy Birthday Collin, we love you so much and feel tremendously blessed to be your mom and dad!!! Can not wait to see what the next year holds for you sweet boy!

Calling for Mercy

2011-02-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

Did you ever play the game when you were a kid with your hands where you are trying to get the other person's arm turned out and when you do they call out mercy or uncle? I realize I am not explaining it the best, but that could be I have not had a whole lot of sleep. My point is that I am calling Uncle, or mercy, or whatever I need to. Collin was really sick this weekend, so I took him to the doctor and had to drag Jacob along, which was ironic since Jacob ended up being more sick. The doctor said it sounded like he had bronchiolitis so he ordered suctioning. Well than he quickly got very sick, and we ended up in the ER, where we discovered that despite the RSV vaccine he had been getting, he somehow managed to test RSV positive. They shipped us north to another hospital because our pediatric unit at our hospital was in divert. We were there until early afternoon, when they sent us home.

Jacob has been one sick baby. His oxygen saturations drop when it has been too long between suctioning, and he has been breathing 60+ times a minute (usually around 70-90 and had been over 100) and he has been retracting periodically. He has had a fever and from Friday evening until Sunday could not sleep longer than 30-40 minutes if we were lucky. I took him back to the doctor today. He offered to put him back into the hospital. But he gave the option too of just doing what we have been doing at home but to also have a suction machine (so we can suction as needed without having to go to the hospital) and than with our doctor calling to check on him daily.

He has been super sleepy today which is better than him not being able to rest. It breaks your heart to have your kids sick, and it makes it so much more difficult when you, the parents, are sick too. So birthday celebrations are being placed on hold and we are just trying to get through this. My doctor told me today that I have earned the stripes. I told him now I just need to get the jacket to have them placed on. So I had better get off. There are little ones (three of them ;) to go and care for.

Under Construction

2011-02-18T13:10:00.000-08:00

Forgive the oddness of everything, this blog is currently under construction. Adding a new little one requires some changes around here, especially for the blog. So bear with us!

It's Party Time!!!

2011-02-17T22:00:00.000-08:00

I love birthdays. I am a firm believer in the birthday month idea, although Mike has weaned me down to about a week. Cute Collin is turning two next week, so the presents and fun has already started. This kid can literally drive me nuts and make me want to smother him with love all at once (typical two year old, right?) On Wednesday Mike called me at work and told me a cute and funny story. He woke up at 8 am and did not hear Collin. So at 8:30 he went in, and Collin was sitting in his bed, looking at his books. He looks up at Mike and says "oh, hi." I mean seriously, how cute is that?

He loves our new house, and is always asking to go home when we are out. He adores his family, and is learning all of their names. He already learned three new names this week, and he is always asking to go and visit Grandma, Grandpa, Meggie (which includes Perrie) Heather, Cody, Tatum, Abby, Kat, Mimi, Gracie, and the dogs. he just learned Cody, Abby, and Courtney this week. I have been working on him with Jim, Jason, Deanna now, and we will move on from there. We are doing a Curious George party with our families next week. Everyone says that terrible twos are terrible but I think the 15-22 month period was hard because of Collin not being able to communicate like he can now. Anyways, I am off to explore cupcake recipes. I am thinking key lime cupcakes and some peanut butter chocolate cupcakes too. I am working on the two year post for Collin and the four month old update on Jacob. These little guys are just growing way too fast for my liking!

Me

2011-02-07T22:57:00.000-08:00

Who am I? I am Emily. I hail from a couple states, growing up mostly in West-by-gosh-Virginia and moving to Utah my senior year of high school. I miss West Virginia's beauty and the falls/springs (truly all the seasons!) I have been married for a little over 6 years. I have four amazing children, Lilly (who is our first angel living a sweet 5 weeks) Ryker, our heart hero/angel, who lived 7 weeks after passing away from Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, Collin, our adoption miracle, and Jacob, our miracle baby who overcame Hydrops and a small heart defect that was repaired at 6 days of age.

I love my family, although I can be the moody emotional one in both sides (something I am constantly asking forgiveness for.) I wear my heart and feelings on my sleeves (note the plural) and can be one of the most sarcastic people you know. I sometimes say stupid, stupid things (I seem to always manage to get my wide foot stuck in my mouth) but I care so much for those around me. I work with new moms and babies, something I love, and I love being with my dear friends and family (although it makes me sad when I do not get to see them or be with them. :( ) I am loud, I love to laugh, love good food or anything dairy/carb related, hate to exercise (hate, hate, hate it!!!) But I need to as I just had a baby 3-4 months ago and well, yikes!!!

I love to craft and although I should sell my things on Etsy, I would much rather give it away as that is who I am, a giver. I have a hard time with others being selfish, as though I may have my moments, that happens to be a strength of mine of being unselfish. I love my best friend more than words could express and it makes me cry to ever think about living without him, and I would love to travel. I wish I lived near the beach (darn you Utah!!!) and try to persuade my said husband in taking me to a coast of some sort so that I can enjoy the beach. I love parties (and am thrilled to be in a house large enough to have people over finally) and will someday return to school to finish, but that dream will come true once my sweet babes are in school as they are little for a short while.

So there you have it, moody, crafty, loving, unselfish, giving beachy, loves food, hate exercising, love the kids/husband, misses the East coast, and enjoys being surrounded by family and friends (especially the besties, sisters, and angel mommas!!!)

I'm Back.....

2011-02-05T22:56:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. My heart has not been in blogging. I have been talking to a friend lately, and she expressed how this blog was very much like your favorite dramatic TV show, comparable to ER or something. And there was so much drama and so much sitting on the edge of your seat and wondering what would happen (with Jacob) but than there was this awesome series finale of good news and it was over. Jacob was here, he was healthy, he came home *smile and sigh.* The End. I lost time to blog, and truly I did not want to blog because I felt like whatever I would spew out from here would be insignificant after such a tremendous significant life-changing experience.

But than today, after chewing on this, I realized some thing. How many people get to raise or have so many miracles in their lives? And what I have here on earth are two freaking miracles for two very different reasons. And life still has it's ups and downs, and that is something to blog about, right???

So I start again. I will start the new chapter in my life and blogging, of being the mom of four amazing babes and two special little guys that although sometimes have me pulling hair at times, I could not imagine being anything else but their mom. So here's a few pictures to start this new chapter of my life and blogging with. I will sign off but I will post soon, as I have much to share and catch up on!

We lost this camera a year ago but found it right before moving. Collin had gotten himself into sour cream. If I only knew this was a mere glimpse into the craziness of this little boy!!!

Jake's Three month pic. He has grown so much since than. Still has his curly goldilocks.

My boys. (Ignore the mess, we were moving. But really even if we were not,

there would probably still be a mess :)

Collin is going to be two in a few weeks. I cannot believe how fast he has grown.

Tata for now, I will be back soon!!!

Jacob's Baby Blessing

2011-01-18T00:01:00.000-08:00

I am a lame blogger. I should be sorry I suppose, but really, with two boys that have been fighting colds and well everything with the holidays, I was just busy. I think if I had to write a caption for all of these pictures, it would be "the album of funny faces." This obviously was Jacob's baby blessing. It was a wonderful day. With Lilly and Ryker, they were blessed in the hospital, so it is a tremendous blessing to be able to bless them surrounded by friends and family. He slept right through it. This was right before a growth spurt and so he was even more quiet and peaceful than usual. This was a day for happy tears. I know Lilly and Ryker were near and watch over them family and keep us safe. I love my children and am so grateful to be their mom.

I have a few posts in the works, and I will do my best to publish them in a timely manner, but we are moving the nest two weeks and so I am busy cleaning and packing. We will have a lot more space, a big fenced in yard, and just space to enjoy our family. So once things get settled, I promise to be a better blogger!!!

Some of My Favorite Things

2010-12-30T00:11:00.000-08:00

I have been browsing the internet lately, finding some REALLY cool baby items that I wish I had or had known about the first go around. So hence my keyboard has needed some drool wiped off. I wish I were Oprah, or just even a really cool blogger so that I could give the items away. But since we are doing the whole fun school thing, these will be wishes.

My first favorite is the coolest baby bathtub I have ever seen. I want one and wish I had known about it long before I bought my big bulky bath tub (although cute) from Fisher Price. Mine takes up a ton of space. You have to click on the link and watch the short clip. I do not think I would ever buy another bath tub again (we are using the one from when Collin was a wee one!) Here is the link. It is called a Puj Baby Bath Tub.

I think that as a parent your first child is sadly the experimental child. So naturally there were some things we did with Collin that worked and some things that did not. One of the hardest parts of being a mom to two little boys is trying to have a free arm/hand (or even two!) so that I can bond with my boys and get things done around the house. Because having Collin is like living with an adorable dimpled tornado, and the after math is UGLY! So I finally broke down and got a sling. It is so amazing to be able to cuddle Jacob while spending time with Collin or picking up.

This can be worn with an infant, an older baby in front or at the hip, and even on the back (once babe is stronger and bigger.) I have done a lot of reading and I find myself agreeing with a lot of Dr. Sears ideas. I think that someday when we have our fifth (still get a kick out of saying I have four children and am only 27!) that I will be an even better mommy. This is the Comfy Joey Sling, and I got it for a steal!

My third and final item is an idea I love. And although I think that this is a genius idea, the price is a little steep for me right now. But if I ever had $10-20 to blow, it might be this way. As a mom, I am ever worried about the way I interact with the environment. And I know how wasteful plastic baggies are. So in comes this genius idea. These are Itzy Ritzy lunch bags. These bags have a fabric out layer and a PVC free and soft BPA free inner lining. They are FDA approved bag for snacks, fruit, sandwiches, school lunches, mini first aid kits, electronics, toiletries & more, and are also machine washable. I think that when Collin starts school, these will something we will need to invest in, because like I said, plastic baggies are wasteful and end up costing quite a bit in the end.

As for an update on my little family, I will be posting soon some pictures of Christmas and the fun we had enjoying our sweet little family. Jacob is 10 1/2 pounds, and although kind of tiny for a two month old, is just perfect for a baby born 4 weeks early with a heart condition. He is spot on with everything when we go by his due date. So until than, so long! (Can you tell I have been watching The Sound of Music???)

I know, I've Been Away.

2010-12-16T00:18:00.000-08:00

My heart has not been in blogging. I have been spending my days with my boys, enjoying the holiday season and making memories with them.. Ryker passed away three years ago yesterday. What started as such a glorious and wonderful day quickly turned to something only nightmares hold, but than turned back to one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. This is not for the faint of heart, as most of these pictures are after Ryker has passed.

We went up to Primary's in the hope of having Ryker's breathing tube removed, a step necessary to bring our baby home. And as I sit and type this, I stare over at my sleeping 8 week old and see so much of his brother in him. We were very hopeful that day, and Ryker did so well . Because I had gone back to work the night before he passed, I had to leave him about 40 minutes after he was extubated to eat and pump, although I never did pump again. I still remember feeling the need to get back to Ryker's side and forgoing comfort for a little while to be by his side. I remember talking with our friends (and actually distant cousins 4 generations back) that shared our same last name and also had a little boy with HLHS. I remember seeing the commotion of an intubation cart going by and a nurse telling us that he thought they were going to re-intubate Ryker. I remember standing outside Ryker's door, watching them place him back on the ventilator, crying tears of frustration that we were taking such a big step back. I remember watching the monitor, and seeing our son's normal oxygen saturation level of 75-85 drop, going down, down, down. I quickly picked up the phone, feeling inspired to call our parents to tell them to drive quickly up there, something did not seem right. I watched the monitor again as the numbers went to 70, then 65, 60, 55, 50 and holding at 45-50 for a while. I remember watching while nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, and many others rushed around. I remember calling our parents again to plead to them to please please hurry up.

I remember making the phone call to my supervisor at work, telling her that I would not be coming into work that night. I remember her asking me if everything was all right, and telling her that no, I think we were losing our little boy and hearing her sob into the phone. I now remember a sweet friend from work oblivious to what we were going through right than calling to see how everything was and telling her that I thought we were going to have to say goodbye to our son. And at this point, my heart broke. I watched a tech pull the crash cart up to his room, and when I peeked into the room and saw them doing chest compressions. I cried out, right there in the middle of the PICU, "No! Why? Why???" And I remember the kindness of another heart mom bringing me soft tissues and hugging me. It blurs than. I know our parents arrived. I know we talked to many doctors and nurses. My next memory is of seeing the ECMO machine wheeled down to our tiny son's room, with the ECMO tech standing by to help save our son's life. I remember looking again at the monitor and seeing 19-20 % for our baby's saturations. I remember Dr. Hawkins and Dr. Yetman coming to talk to us, telling us that they did know why this was happening, but that it was. And I remember Dr. Hawkins asking us if we wanted him to try to place our son on ECMO, and Mike and I, without a word to each other, telling him no. We were going to be saying goodbye to our son.

I remember them placing a butterfly sign outside our room. I remember that dear heart mom taking her CD player and placing it in our room with children's hymns playing so sweetly. I recall most of our siblings arriving, as we lovingly removed unnecessary lines and had our sweet son blessed, blessed with a name and blessed to be released from his earthly mission that he so valiantly fought.

I remember them putting two rocking chairs in the room, and asking them to switch them for a small couch, so that our infant son could be held by his mom and dad when he passed. And than telling the doctor to stop the epinephrine, and than cleaning up my baby and wrapping him in a blanket. I sat down with Mike, as the nurse brought our baby to our arms. I told him how proud I was of him, how grateful I was to be his mom. I kissed his head, as his dad told him of our love and admiration for him. We kissed him goodbye, and our hearts again broke. He was gone. Our family took turns holding him. I remember standing by his bed when I felt Ryker's spirit return to the room. Ryker was no longer constricted to the bands of his broken body. And I remember recognizing that it was not the spirit of an infant, but that of a young man and being grateful for that.

We held and loved our sweet boy, and after a while we knew it was time to go, to say goodbye. That was one of the hardest things I have done, leaving my baby for the nurse to wash and take to the morgue. Right up there with driving Lilly to the funeral home and leaving her.

It is interesting writing this. It is painful and therapeutic, and so many memories of Ryker's life mesh with Jacob's. We were healed a bit in having Jacob. We had many of those who took care of Ryker take care of Jacob. The ECMO tech worked in the bedside beside Jacob many days we were there on a sick little newborn girl. I asked him if he remembered us. He said he did.

Collin gave us the hope necessary to live, to learn to love and trust again. Jacob has healed our broken hearts, has helped to make that emptiness not so empty. When you lose a child, you lose piece of your heart. Our two children since have made our hearts larger, and pushed a little bit of that empty space closed. It will always be there, for we have loved and had to say goodbye. May we live a life that would be pleasing to our sweet angel children is our hope.

We are blessing Jacob this Sunday. Ironically, it is the three year mark of Ryker's funeral. And we will again be in our church, but this time for something much more joyous. We miss you Ryker. And we miss you Lilly. We are grateful to have had you the short while we were able to have you. We love you but we know that when we meet again someday, how sweet the reunion will be.

Our One Month Old and Twenty-One Month Old

2010-11-25T00:57:00.000-08:00

Can you believe how fast time is flying??? My little boys are growing, far to fast for my liking. Jacob turned 1 month on the 20th and Collin turned 21 months on the 22nd. We are still adjusting, although I think a lot of our the adjusting may have something to do with trying to adjust to an almost 2 year old while being slightly sleep deprived. Collin is just a little sponge. He learns words I did not even know he had heard. His newest word is "med-sin" which is what he says when he wants him gummy vitamin. He still loves Buzz Lightyear, and it is the word he uses for tv, movies, and his sippy cups. Although not a whole lot of Toy Story has been watched since he takes movies out of the DVD player and misplaces them. He loves to help with Jacob. He was helping me give Jake a bath this afternoon. He hates to watch him have his diaper changed, he always says "ohhh, ohhh, Jakie." We are quick to assure him all is well. Collin is getting more and more independent, something that is hard for both parties. We stay home a lot, just because the strive for independence warrants a lot of tantrums. And boy can he throw them with the best of them. But I know with time, this will get better.

Jacob is growing. He does not speak or do anything really amazing, he is just cute, and sweet, and cuddly. He still is very much in the newborn stage, something I love and will soon miss. When I see his cousin, it makes me sad because I know my little baby will soon be out of the snuggly newborn stage, and will be quickly into the discovering the world stage. Jacob has his good nights and bad nights. I go back to work in two weeks, and I am hoping he will continue to move towards sleeping longer. Much of the night I hold him either on my chest or in my arms. I love holding him, and I know he will only be little for such a short time, so truly I will let him be little for awhile. The monkey is one from when he was at Primary's. It is a build-a-bear monkey and it even makes sounds. I think it is cute to take a picture each month with the monkey to see how he is growing. He still has tons of blond curly hair, and it is growing longer and is still so curly and cute. I just love to hold him against me with his soft tufts of hair. We go into the doctor in a week and half for the RSV vaccine, so I will find out how much he weighs. I know he is growing, because his newborn clothes are getting to small, both in length and width. Anyways, I need to get to sleep. I just want to wish each and every one of you a Happy Thanksgiving. I am grateful for so much in my life, but very grateful to be able to go to bed, knowing my guys are all safely in bed and under the same roof. What miracles we have blessed with.

Loving Life

2010-11-21T14:35:00.000-08:00

As I write this post, my sweet one month old (that's right, he was one month yesterday!) sleeps on my chest, while my 21 month old naps in the other room. I am tired, but being able to sleep from 12:20 am until 6:20 am (only because Jacob slept his first night through!!!) truly helped my overall lack of sleep, (and makes me a nicer person too!) We have been slightly more adventurous this week, and actually stepped out of the house a couple of times. I took the boys to Target (had to buy baby diapers) and that experience made me want to stay in for forever. Jacob slept in his covered carseat, while Collin was his usual mischievous almost-two-year-old self. He even climbed out of the cart and bonked his head. A bunch of other moms smiled and came over to lend emotional support. It made me decide to wait until Mike came home to venture out again with the two boys.

Mike on the left, our nephew Ryan in the middle with his Dad, Jason.

And we stopped by the cousin's house so that Jacob and his cute cousin Ryan could meet. These two were due about 2 months apart from each other (their Dads are identical twins!) Jake is so tiny in comparison. I hope my little guy can chunk up, but than again he was born at 36 weeks and after having heart surgery, a lot of his calories were being utilized to heal, so it took until 3 weeks to get him back up to his 7 lb birth weight. I think he currently weighs between 8 and 9 pounds, but I am just guessing.

We also attended our niece and nephew's first birthday party a few weeks ago. I tell their mom they should be baby models, because they are so cute. They have golden curly locks of hair, bright blue eyes, and are perfectly chubby! But you can judge for yourselves:

And I even got to have some sister time. Yep, I was one of those crazies who saw Harry Potter at 12 am and it was 100% worth it! The movie was amazing and I did not even get tired once (although I am usually awake parts of the night anyways.) So the pictures I took look horrid, because sadly I need a serious pick-me-up with my hair and clothing, so sorry, I will not be sharing any from the premiere. There were some people in pretty funny and outrageous costumes, and a million or so teenagers. But it was so nice to have some fun, some yummy snacks an treats, and to be in the company of my fun sisters!!!

My three other pictures are three of my favorites. My talented friend came and took some newborn pictures for us. I love how angelic Jacob looks, because he seriously is so sweet and just loves to be loved on and snuggled. And we have had a breakthrough this week: Collin loves his little brother!!! He likes to "hold" him, loves to give him kisses, loves to cover him with whatever blanket there is lying around, and also loves to shove his sippy cup into Jake's mouth to share (how nice, huh?) The third pose is Jacob's favorite way to live, held, loved, and cuddled. He is the snuggliest little guy, and we love it!

Well, that is about it for an update. I will be busy this week cleaning, baking and cooking, and decorating for Christmas!!!! I love being home this week and am glad Mike will be home part of the week with us!!!

Got Milk???

2010-11-14T15:50:00.000-08:00

We had awesome success with this in the past, and are hoping to have success again with this request. A little TMI, but because of a breast reduction when I was 19, I do not make a lot of milk. And I have worked with lactation consultants, but being able to wholly supply milk for Jacob is something I can not physically do, especially with him eating more and more. So I am looking for some milk mommas to help out. I could begin to explain the benefits of breast milk, but just pure ans simply it is better for him, 100% better, and we are looking for donations. My e-mail is littleforeverfamily@gmail.com, or you can just leave a comment since all comments are moderated, they will only be seen by me. We will of course cover milk bags so please just let us know if you could help!!!

Cardiology and a Circumcision from Heck

2010-11-12T21:22:00.000-08:00

Jacob has spent 4 of the 5 days this week seeing his doctors. We had weight checks, cardiology, and a horrible circumcision. We were nervous about Jacob gaining weight, since we pulled his feeding tube. Well, he is gaining about an ounce to two ounces a day, and so no more weight checks. Cardiology was another great appointment. Jacob had an x-ray, and there was still no fluid (yeah!!!) His murmur is gone, the EKG looked great, and cardiology felt like he is doing perfectly. We go back in two months, but I do not anticipate anything coming up, although you just never know with our family.
We also had Jacob circumcised this week. This was a decision we debated heavily about. Especially where he has already been through so much. So I was so nervous to take him in. I work on a mom/baby floor, and assist all the time with circs. So I anticipated this would not be any different from the hundreds and hundreds I have seen/assisted with and on. But there are always risks. My poor little babe would not stop crying last night, so I checked the circ and actually started crying myself. It was swollen to about 5 times what it should be, and the color was horrible (with a color mix of blue and green.)

I freaked out and called the doc on call. We went in about an hour later. I was hoping I was just being a crazy new mom, but when the doctor looked at it he could not believe how bad it looked. He sent a picture up to Primary's urologist and they said it looked bad, but not to do anything and just have us follow up with our ped today. Well this morning, when I opened Jake's diaper, the piece of plastic and string that were supposed to make a clean circumcision had fallen off, 5-6 days to early. We took him back in, and our doctor was just shaking his head. He was Mike's pediatrician and he said that never in the 30 years that he has been practicing has he seen this happen. He called urology, and sent some pictures. The urologist had only seen this happen twice before, and she said we would have to wait a month to re-evaluate as to what will need to happen. She said it should be fine, but to just watch it. It is ironic to me since I have never seen any problems like this and than this happens with my own son.

Hopefully he will heal, and not slip back into his sad little self. You never want your kids to experience pain, and the 4 + hours of crying broke my heart. This kid did not even need anything besides Tylenol after his heart surgery, and so I know it had to really be hurting him to have him crying. Anyways, I need to sign off and go fold laundry. Would someone please give me some advice on how to keep up with all the laundry? How does someone so small add so much to the laundry pile?! And also, advice on how to keep a house semi clean would be helpful. I just need tips on what worked.

Jake and Jake

2010-11-06T23:39:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, it was very difficult to name this little baby. In the end, we teetered between Jacob and Oliver, and actually he was Oliver for a little while. The main reason we decided to name Jacob Jacob was because of my brother Jacob. He is a soldier, serving in Aghanistan. And I honestly could not think of a better story to be able to tell Jacob someday of why he has the name he has. To be named after someone who loved and served their country, not to mention one of the kindest-hearted people that I know. He was always the sweet, peaceful brother, and for anyone who knows Collin, we need a peaceful little guy.

Well tonight, we were able to welcome home my brother Jacob. He is home for two weeks, and it was wonderful to me able to see him. And he was able to meet and hold his little name sake.

I love how cute these two are, and love even more that little Jacob smiled while his uncle Jake was holing him.

We pulled his feeding tube today. He is eating really well, and does better and better each day. I am hoping to see that he continues to put on weight. It was hard to pull our safety net. We are keeping track of the feedings still, and I know that if he needs it, we can always put it back in. So crossing our fingers that he continues to do well with feeds, and that he continues to gain weight. I might take him in on Monday and weigh him, to see how he is doing. I know it is not completely necessary, but I know it will ease or worries about how he is doing. I guess you never get over the new baby worries.

We see cardiology this week, and Jacob has another doctors appointment the day after. I do not foresee any issues, just need him to continue to gain weight. We love his little sweetness, love the smiles, and love seeing Collin and Jacob connect more and more as brothers. Some moments are hard, but we just try to make Collin feel important and know that this will get better with time.

Adjusting

2010-11-04T22:27:00.000-07:00

You would think I would take a gazillion pictures since being home, but honestly between pumping, Collin, Jacob, and trying to survive each day, a lot of life has gotten pushed to the back burner (and sadly pictures/blogging/etc were what we pushed back!) It was wonderful to be able to leave the hospital, although there was still a little guilt in leaving some friends there.

We got Jacob bathed (had to take pictures of his little golden curly locks)
and dressed to go home.

After all the paperwork was completed, we got out of the little house on the hill. We came home on Sunday (late afternoon) with just a feeding tube and oxygen. It was neat to come home on Halloween, because it is the three year mark of Ryker having his open heart surgery. Also, we bought a little outfit for Jacob, and prayed he would be able to wear it. I know it was silly, but I kept thinking "if he is able to wear this, it means everything will be all right." Because to me, it meant he would be healthy. I know, it does not make a lot of sense, but it was just a miracle to go home.

I will have to put him in the outfit again and take a picture because this was the only picture I took of going home since the camera was accidentally packed away. After getting a little settled, Mike left to get Collin and have some family dinner, sans Jacob and I (it was really nice to rest.) Collin is pretty indifferent towards Jacob, but seems to be warming up to him.

He thinks it is pretty funny when Jacob is ready to eat and sticks out his tongue.

It is funny, because people think that the hard part of being home is Jacob. And really, Jacob does not really cry, is pretty peaceful, and really just wants fed, love, and sleep. Collin on the other hand, is nearing the terrible twos, along with feeling and dealing with a definite adjustment in his world. He is throwing more tantrums, screaming at the top of his lungs, and just having a rough time. That is probably the hardest part of all of this, and I am praying it will get better. So any tips would be appreciated, or just telling me it will get better will grant me an ounce of sanity.

You are probably wondering what this is. This little thing (there is a better picture two below) is what popped out after they delivered Jacob. Ironically, the doctor that pulled this out also has the name of Jacob and may or may not have swayed our decision in naming Jacob. We told the docs that whoever found the shunt would win a prize, and what better prize than having a baby named after you (well we let him think that at least!)

The shunt that was placed in Jacob's chest while in-utero.

You can imagine why this would be so painful to have placed, as it is big, and why Jacob yanked it out (I do not blame him one bit.) But this little piece of plastic with the metal tips truly is the reason we have our little miracle. Were it not for this, I am not sure Jacob would be here today.

These are Jacob's two week pictures. His little umbilical cord came off, and so he was able to get his first sort of bath (we still can not let him soak in the water since we want his incision to heal. something I will have to take pictures of after his next bath.) He is just sweet, loves to be held and really such a good baby. I know it may not last, but I am just enjoying our little miracle and his strong sweet spirit.

Off to bed now. Love the sleep.

Packing Up!!!

2010-10-31T10:30:00.000-07:00

Not sure I could be happier right now, I can not stop smiling! We are packing everything up, because Jacob is coming home!!! I can not wait to be together as a family, and have my cute little ones and Mike and I all under the same roof. And Jacob has been taking almost all of his feeds by mouth, with us having to push very little in through his little feeding tube. The cardiac nurse practitioner thinks that he may only need it a few more days, and hopes that with us being home (at a slightly lower altitude) and than with him hopefully having the NG tube out, he will not even need his little whiff of oxygen. It has been really something to have had this experience. The nurse practitioner (who also took care of Ryker) said that this day is truly the silver lining, and boy does she have that nailed head on. Anyways, I need to finish packing everything up, so I will sign off. Next post from home!!!

The "H" Word

2010-10-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

We are nervous to even say the word, but there is talk of our being able to go home this weekend. So we were moved to the infant surgical floor yesterday, which means I get to be a full time Mommy to Jacob *smile*. He is doing really quite well, although since moving to a higher altitude, (from the 2nd floor to the third floor) he has needed just a little whiff of oxygen. We are hoping that once we get to go home, to a lower altitude, that we will be able to discontinue the oxygen. He also has a feeding tube (an NG tube.) We feed him what he will take, which is anywhere from 20-30 ml typically and than feed him the rest through the NG tube. I actually learned tonight how to put one in. It scared me spitless, but was actually not bad. I am thinking we may be home by tomorrow. I am not 100% confident in this, but I have a feeling it will happen. The hydrops/congenital chylothorax has so far been a non-issue. And Jacob was able to get his chest tube out today, along with his PICC line. So in the last three days he has had his ventilator out, his IJ line, an arterial line, an IV, a chest tube, and PICC line all removed, and now gets to work on moving off the oxygen and feeding tube. He will come home with the NG tube (hence the reason I was taught how.) We also passed off giving his meds along with Jacob passing his car seat trial. He is our little miracle.

This last Wednesday was Ryker's third birthday. I feel bad because we did not get a chance to celebrate Lilly's or Ryker's birthdays, so once we get home, we will have to do something special in their honor. We miss Ryker, although I do not think there has been a day that has gone by that he has not been on our minds, especially being somewhere that our only memories of Ryker linger. I know he and Lilly have watched carefully over their family, especially Jacob. We love you Ryker and miss you.

I will try to be better about posting, but things are busy and about to get busier. Thank-you for the prayers. They are very much needed, appreciated, and just a wonderful support. I would also like to ask for prayers for my little brother's wife, my sweet sister-in-law Lindsey. She found out this week she has thyroid cancer, and I know they could really use the added prayers.

Poor Little Guy

2010-10-27T00:13:00.000-07:00

Our little Jacob had his heart surgery this afternoon. They were able to successfully remove the narrow part of the aorta. The surgery went perfectly, and seeing him was not nearly as bad as going to see Ryker after his heart surgery. It was pretty hard to hand him over for surgery and so many emotions resurfaced of saying goodbye to him that we experienced with Ryker. I do not think it gets any easier sending a child to surgery.

He was still under the effects of the anesthesia when we were allowed to go back so he was pretty snockered. He will rest tonight and than first thing in the morning they will start trialing him off the ventilator
, and than start removing lines through the day. There was scar tissue in his lungs so the surgeon had to actually loosen his lung from against the wall of his chest. He feels it is from all of the drainings and than shunt placement. All the nurses and doctors assured us that he is doing perfect and that with this surgery, these little ones are typically home in 3-6 days. I could not believe that we could have Jacob home next week.

We brought Collin up to see his little brother Monday night. We will not be bringing Collin up again before Jacob comes home, because Collin is not the best PICU/CICU visitor. Hopefully things will go more smoothly once Jacob comes home, but I know it is going to be an adjustment. I will update more tomorrow but hopefully Jacob will sail through everything and we will be back to feeding, holding, and loving on our little guy. So

mnnmnm

Jacob is in Surgery

2010-10-26T17:20:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to update that Jacob was taken back to surgery a little after 4 pm. They had a hard time placing an arterial line and central line, so they made the incision at 5:30 and expect the surgery to take around 3 hrs.

Another Update

2010-10-24T21:48:00.000-07:00

I know I have not updated and I know that it this should have pictures. But sadly the internet in the hospital is slow. Once I am home tomorrow I will update pictures since I think our little guy is so cute! Nurses keep walking by telling us how beautiful he is and apparently there are many volunteers to hold him. Jacob is doing awesome even on the prostaglandins that keep his little PDA open. Ryker had to be intubated at this point, but Jacob is proving to be once tough little guy. He has also been able to eat, and sometimes does awesome, sometimes, does okay. He has eaten pretty well this afternoon and made up for the sleepiness during the day. He usually eats around 20-25 cc's, and seems to really be getting his role in eating down. We love feeding him. He came off the bilirubin lights today so now we can freely hold him. He loves to be held. We will know more about when the surgery will be on come Tuesday and hopefully will be talking with the doctors tomorrow about everything. The surgery is pretty cut and dry. Jacob will have to be intubated, but hopefully will only be intubated for 1-2 days. And than hopefully will be able to resume feedings and we will be able to come home soon after. We love our little Jacob. It will be hard coming home tomorrow and not to be able to bring him home. But our separation will be short. I had better get to bed. We have been going over to feed our little guy every three hours and I am pretty exhausted. Thank-you for the prayers. I will probably post pictures tomorrow once we are home!

Quick Update and Pictures

2010-10-21T14:49:00.000-07:00

Our little guy, giving a tiny little smile!

After 15 plus hours of waiting, finally getting to see him before he made

his way to Primary Children's Medical Center (PCMC.)

Mike visiting our sweet boy and giving love from both Mom and Dad!!!

We still are stuck between Oliver or Jacob, but our little boy is doing pretty well. He was on the CPAP for about 4 hours and came off of it just fine. He loves his pacifier and loves to be talked to and touched. We still have not been able to hold him, but he was also sent over this afternoon to PCMC to the CVICU to be watched and evaluated. We are not sure about the surgery but will hopefully know more by tonight. He is beautiful. He has a head full of blond hair and is just so sweet and peaceful. I am still on strict bed rest (no getting up) so the only time I have had a chance to see my sweet baby is before they transferred him. I am going to be able to come off the nasty medications tonight and you bet I will be over seeing my baby. We will let you know any updates!

Our Little Guy Came a Bit Early!!!

2010-10-21T02:07:00.000-07:00

I am off to bed, but just wanted to let you know our little guy made his grand arrival into the world last night! He was born at 11:03 pm, at 36 weeks and 4 days. He weighed 7 pounds even and is kind of a little solid chunk. He has blond, blond hair and although he came out screaming with APGARS of 8 and 9, he still needed some C-PAP. Will post more tomorrow! Just so excited to meet our cute boy!

Down to a Week

2010-10-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

It is unfathomable to be that next week this time we will be holding our little guy!!! Still no name, so I think we will just have to wait and see him before we decide. I have been on bed rest (something I am not always the best at) and it has been a bit hard to try and stay down. I think my doctor very nearly came close to having me deliver yesterday, something I did not want to happen since it was Lilly's Birthday. So understandably I was pretty adamant about not having another baby that day. My blood pressures were pretty high, and the doctor was worried since I started spilling protein again. The only reason I even got to go home was agreeing to strict bed rest and pretty much a fluke blood pressure (the ones before were 130-140 over the 100's) when we got one reading of 100/47. I did not say anything and the midwife working triage knew my feelings and knew that I would be compliant. Tomorrow, the lab that makes the most difference will be finished and will dictate what happens (or doesn't.) I would like to wait till next Tuesday, because these are my last days of feeling our little baby wiggle inside, get hiccups, and just enjoying the little moments I get to have with him. Hopefully the lab will come back fine, and there will be no changes in the plan.

I am scheduled to have another amniocentesis on Monday, but my OB and his partner (who is covering while my OB is out of town) both agree the amnio should not even be done and they should just go straight to the c-section that is scheduled. They feel like with the preelampsia and than my "morning sickness" ( I have lost 4 pounds int he last week) that it is time to just deliver. I am okay with that. I have had enough of big needles and have had my fill of them. Not for me to decide, but if they want to know my opinion, I will happily share it. That is about it. Collin turns 20 months this week, and we will be celebrating Lilly's birthday tomorrow (since Monday was not the best day.) Cannot wait to share pictures of our little miracle!

One Amazing Woman!!!

2010-10-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

This blog totally belongs to my wife Emily. She created it, She writes the posts, and she adds the pictures. I hardly ever post because my wife is so creative. Today is a very special day and so that is why I chose to post, today is Emily's birthday and I felt she deserved a special post in her honor. Emily is one to never really take credit form her accomplishments or acts of service. I know what an amazing person she is and my life has truly been blessed because of her. Next month will mark our 6th anniversary and we have truly had ups and downs in our marriage. It takes an extremely strong and accomplished women to have been through what Emily has and still keep a smile and bless others lives. Emily's greatest accomplishment I feel our her three children, she is more than happy to stop and share our story with anyone who is interested. She has a great love for Ryker and Lilly and is always honoring them and their accomplishments.

                                           One of Emily's greatest joys was being able to spend time with
                                           Ryker and hold him and sing to him. He always seemed so calm
                                           soothed by her voice.

Emily's greatest joy is her son Collin he is a 100 % mommas boy, any time she leaves the house he waits by the window and yells for joy when she pulls back in. She would give anything for this little boy and loves his hugs and kisses. Emily also loves all of her nieces and nephews and will drop anything she is doing to spend time with them, Emily always brags about being the favorite aunt.

These pictures are from the day we brought Collin home
we could not have been happier.

My life would not be complete without Emily and she is the love of my life. She has made so many sacrifices for this family in order for me to continue with my schooling and work. We have laughed together, cried together and have loved every minute of our marriage. To know Emily is to truly feel and know of her love for her family and friends. So to my amazing wife and friend Happy Birthday and I love you, here is to many more years to come and many happy memories.

The Great/Crumby Update

2010-10-04T21:29:00.000-07:00

We had our second to last ultrasound today. Our little guy is doing amazing! He has no fluid around his lungs (with still no shunt to be seen or found.) His heart looks pretty good and he is measuring a week ahead (I am 34+ weeks and he is measuring 35+ weeks!) He is estimated to weigh 5 1/2 pounds, which if I can carry until the scheduled c-section means he will probably be right around his brothers' weights (and yes I said brothers' because Ryker and Collin were both 6 pounds 15 ounces at birth.) He was wiggling all over and sucking his little fist. And probably the best part (besides no fluid) was that he breathing up a storm in there. The perinatologist was actually impressed with how much he was breathing (really it is more practicing breathing since he is swimming in amniotic fluid) but his lungs were moving just like they will be once he is born.

The crumby part of the appointment was being diagnosed with preeclampsia. I have had a high heart rate for at least the last week. I probably have had the higher heart rate for about 2 1/2-3 weeks but did not really pick it up. So Friday, while at work, my heart started racing. I had my blood pressure taken (I work at a local hospital) and it was pretty high, 152/103. I sat down for 20 minutes and took it again, and it was 136/98. It was not high after that, but I talked to another perinatologist and she ordered some labs. My labs came back okay, with my protein levels high. I have had some more high blood pressures, so I talked to the perinatologist and he is really concerned. He wants me to go on moderate rest, to not work, and to rest as much as possible (I laughed at that one.) He is worried that the preeclampsia could easily turn severe and our little guy would have to come out. So they will probably not perform the amnio, just go for the scheduled c-section on the 26th, and sooner if needed.

The good news is that Friday marks 35 weeks, our little guy is not dealing with the fluid anymore, he is measuring larger for his age, has had the steroids shots, and is practicing breathing. I do not want him here early, but I am thankful for those blessings/miracles. I told Mike that I wished I could be done, but while I say that I am not ready either. I am not trying to be selfish, but I have not felt good (not just the end of pregnancy blah) but a 9-day headache mixed with a high heart rate/blood pressure makes me literally feel like crap. I have been so emotional, just crying and crying. I am ready to be back to my normal self. So please do not think me selfish for wishing to be done. I am just taking things one day and one moment at a time.

Our Little Update

2010-09-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

I know I have not updated lately, and I do apologize. Sometimes life just gets busy. We are down to 26 days until my c-section. I contract and all that fun stuff, and try to take it easy, but not always possible. I am still working about two days a week, sometimes three, and after 12 hours on my feet I crash and burn when I get home. Mike is busy, with being a husband and dad, working, and anatomy. And Collin is as fun and crazy as ever. He is truly fearless, sometimes causing our hearts to jump through our chests and Collin to gain more bumps and bruises. But every day he learns new words, and understands more and more. That with the cute kisses, hugs, and loves just makes us love him more and more.

Our little no-namer seems to be behaving himself. I did not have to go to perinatology this week, but had an appointment up at Primary's for the last fetal echo. I know I mentioned last week that we could see the coarctation of the aorta during the ultrasound. So it was no surprise to see it very clearly during the echo. The doctor says they will still perform an echo after he is born, and than will most likely transfer him to Primary Children's to the CVICU. He will probably have surgery the first week, and they hopefully will be able to perform the surgery through the left side, and not have to do open heart surgery. I told my best friend (a CVICU nurse there, which is wonderful to be able to have someone who understands both the emotional and medical sides here) that I can handle a few weeks at the hospital, but that I need this to be a different experience. She told me I need to keep reminding myself that this will not be Ryker again. This is a different experience, and we be able to enjoy our little baby.

The one reassurance that was kind of funny from the doctor was when we were asking who the surgeons were now. He made this comment "the surgeons, they are very good. They have not lost a coarc patient yet." Imagine this in an Indian accent. I laughed actually, because it was just funny how it was put, and thinking that my children never do what they are supposed to. Hopefully this little boy will behave himself.

I am hoping the pleural effusions will not be an issue with our baby. Even with the shunt pulled, our little boy has just a tiny pocket on the left side. My hope is that the fluid will no longer be an issue even after he is born, that maybe we will be able to get a lot of hugging and love in before they have to do anything. I held Ryker three times before he passed away, ever. I do not want that again. So this has to be a different experience.

My only complaint right now is my pulse. It stays about 115-130, and that is even sitting and doing nothing. It races up to 160-190 without any exertion. I know your pulse can be higher during pregnancy, but I have never had this. It scares me when it goes up high, because sometimes it is when I am sleeping and wakes me up. And I feel like I cannot breathe or I wake up choking. My doctor does not seem concerned, but my one concern is that when it raced up tonight, my chest actually hurt. I am just putting this out there, because I am wondering if anyone has had this problem or maybe has any ideas. So there you go. I have some more pictures to post, but I will post those next time. Hopefully this little boy grows and stays baking for another 4 weeks. We see perinatology Monday, so I will update than.

*P.S. What we are specifically praying for is that this little boy will not have to have open heart surgery and that the fluid around the chest will be a non-issue. Thank-you for the prayers!

Our Little Naughty

2010-09-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

I had to laugh today. We went to our perinatology appointment and had our ultrasound. The tech was scanning the baby and our doctor came in and took over. We were chatting, and he was scanning everything. He kept going over our little guy's chest. There wasn't any extra fluid, but I could not see the shunt. I chalked it up to just not being able to get a good shot of the chest where it is, when the doctor said "I cannot find the shunt." We started laughing, because really this whole time I have been expecting to go in at some point and see it gone. The doctor searched the chest, in and out, searched his hands, mouth, everywhere, and he could not find it. I kept laughing, because I can easily see this baby yanking the thing. I am sure it did not feel very comfortable, and with his acrobatics, it does not surprise his dad or myself at all.

The question you are wondering "what does this mean?" It really means nothing, especially since I am 32+ weeks. It is probably floating around somewhere in there, and cannot really do anything so we just wait. They will get a chest x-ray to make sure it is not actually in his chest once he is born. And they are still watching the fluid, but since there is nothing on the right side, and the same amount on the left, even without the shunt in place, there is nothing really to do but let this baby cook a few more weeks. The doctor is optimistic things will remain stable for the next 5 weeks.

We were also able to get probably the best picture of the suspected coarctation of the aorta. I could definitely see the narrow part, but we will just have to wait and see what happens when he is born. Since it is in the same place that his Dad's was, I am hopeful they can wait to do anything till he grows, if anything will be needed to be done at all. I am still holding on to the hope that maybe he will be able to come home with us when I am discharged. Not expecting it, but just hopeful that it may happen. Anyways, there is the update. I will seem my OB next week, and they will be doing weekly non-stress tests on the baby. And I just try to keep busy and occupied, which is pretty easy with a crazy little tornado of a 19 month old. And I am thinking about Halloween and making some crafts. I love this time of year!

18/19 Months

2010-09-19T23:58:00.000-07:00

I am a little behind on pictures. We were trying for so long to keep people informed about our little guy that the picture posts got shoved to the side. I keep looking at the top picture and thinking "jeez Collin's hair is long" but this pictures is so cute because Morgan is the one cousin Collin is not always kind to. And they look so happy sitting there together. Not sure why, since he does seem to love her, but she gets the same treatment Collin sometimes gives to his Dad .

You are probably wondering what these random horrid pictures are from. Well so did we when we were loading pictures one day. This is what happens when the toddler snatches the camera. And apparently this is not the first time it has happened, as you can see below.

Collin has apparently taken a young interest in photography. And the interest is in pushing buttons on the camera he is not allowed to play with. Pretty impressive, right? By the way, if you are wondering what is wrong with his toe nails, the kid is pretty accident prone. As shown below when he took a nice spill while trying to walk down the cement steps like a big boy.

I love this picture (besides the obvious face scrapes from said spill) because my brother-in-law (who is single and 22) wanted the picture taken to show what an awesome uncle he is! Made me laugh, but since I have known Chris since he was 16, no surprise. But the nieces and nephews do love Chris and love to be read to. This was taken after we put 4 of them in the tub, which was pretty funny.

Collin loves people. He gives his smiles (dimples and all) pretty freely and loves kids. He is actually really good with babies. He loves to gives toys and hugs to our 6 month old niece, and our 10 month old niece and nephew. It gives me hope for when his brother comes.

Collin is learning new words every day, every week. He now says a few three word sentences. Granted, they are not the best grammar wise, but hey, he is only 19 months! He loves to say "I do it" "Bye-bye (Grandma, Grandpa, Mama, Dadda) he knows his one girl cousin's name Abby, than loves to say Tatum (his boy Cousin) all the time. But even though he many not be able to say a name, he knows who people are. Collin hates it when his family leaves, so if you come to visit, and when you leave, he will be very sad. He knows tomato, outside, kitty, makes the noises to a bunch of animals, and is really good at saying "no" and "stop". He jabbers and jabbers. Sometimes, when we are getting up the bathroom during the night, he is jabbering away to someone, probably his brother or sister (or both.) There are a lot more words, but I am not going to list every word our son says. I think the reason we are so pleased that he does pretty well in this area is because of the exposure of drugs Collin experienced when he was in-utero, and just being worried parents. He loves books, loves "choo-choos", loves animals (which means the dog gets a little too much love) and has started to blow kisses pretty darn well. Those are our favorites. Tonight he said "night-night Momma" and blew me kisses. Could not have made for a more proud mom.

Collin is so fearless. He has learned how to open handles, so that if it the door is not locked, he will make his way out or in. He loves to jump off high places, as well as climb up into high areas. He had his 11th haircut last week. I keep track because up till last week cutting his hair was horrid! He hates it! He still hates having it combed, and sometimes I am too tired to chase him to do it. He loves to give the baby kisses and thinks my round belly makes and excellent pillow. We just love him and are excited for him to be a big brother.

An Angel Plan

2010-09-10T21:18:00.000-07:00

I am pretty sure that Lilly and Ryker have been looking out for their little family. Ever since we discovered that this baby had the same due date just about as his big brother and sister, we really wondered if Heavenly Father knew what he was doing giving us this very unexpected baby during an already hard time. And than when we found out all the problems, we could not help bit feel like this was a cruel replay of losing Lilly and Ryker. As we've seen this miracle with our baby, we began to have hope that maybe we would have something of joy to celebrate at this difficult time of year. And today, at my perinatology appointment, I realized that this baby will be making his debut just a day before his big brother Ryker's birthday. I have an amnio that will take place on October 25th, with a c-section scheduled on the 26th. Ryker's birthday is the 27th, and Lilly's is actually also in October, the 18th. One of my friend's suggested that this was the plan all along. And I can not help but believe that this is what happened. I know Lilly and Ryker worry about us. I know they want to see us happy, and I think that they arranged for their brother Collin make it into our family, but also saw to it that we were watched over and given something joyous to celebrate during a sad time of year for us. So what better than a baby, with a due date so close to his angel brother and sister. I am getting down to the count, with a little over 6 weeks till this baby will make his debut. We still need to decide on a name. We have been stuck on four potentials for about the last month: Jacob, Benjamin, Owen and Oliver. I should probably redo the voting, although I think we will have to meet our little guy before we decide. I promise the next post will have pictures, because I have some cute pictures that need to be posted. Well, off to bed. The twelve hour shifts are kicking my butt!

Mixed Feelings

2010-09-07T15:55:00.000-07:00

I was on the computer last night, checking to see when our appointment at Primary's was today for another fetal echo. I was looking at the time when I noticed the cardiologist we would be seeing. She is an awesome cardiologist, Mike's adult CHD actually, but it is just hard to see her. Flash back to December 15th, 2007. We were facing the Hell of saying goodbye to our son Ryker, and it happened to be that she was the cardiologist on call that day. She was the doctor there, reviewing the echo and images of Ryker's hart, and meeting with us to discuss what we wanted to do. A few days later, actually the day after we buried Ryker, Mike had a cardiology appointment at PCMC. Dr. Y he was the one who walked in the room today. So reading that we would be seeing her today, for this baby, it just hit too close to home. I cried last night, I cried on the way up to Primary's. They thankfully switched me once I arrived, but the damage for the day was there. While washing my hands in the bathroom, and smelling the all too familiar scent of the soap I used so many times hit, and so ended up crying through the echo. I hate crying in public. I think I hid it pretty well from the staff, but Mike noticed. The cool fall air, the smells, the drive, familiar faces: just sometimes it is too much. And today was just one of those days.

But the good news was that this little boy has seemed to decide that he wants to hang around, that he wants to be a semi-healthy baby. He still has the coarctation of the aorta, but the hope is that: a.) it is minor enough to not be too much of an issue, or something that maybe can be taken care of later b.) or that maybe that area of the aorta will grow, to where it will not be an issue at all. The doctor also scanned over the lungs, and there was pretty much nothing on the right side of the chest, and also a tiny bit on the left. He says that this baby looks really great, and that when he is born that it is very unlikely they will even have to give any medicine to keep the PDA (it closes after birth.) He said they will perform an echo, and probably just observe him. I asked if he thought we would be able to hold him once he was born, and he said that yes, that he should be fine, that barring any changes I could maybe even look at delivering vaginally. I go to maternal fetal medicine on Friday, and will be 31 weeks. It is crazy how miraculous this is. I have not felt the best in the last couple of days, but I know that once I get feeling better, this will keep sinking in. Thank-you for the prayers. The support is immense and just really appreciated.

Need a Haircut

2010-08-31T15:09:00.000-07:00

Since our lives have been pretty crazy the last two months, I have neglected some parts of life that did not seem very necessary. Collin needs a haircut (number 10 or 11 for him) and I am in horrible need of one too. I want something different, so I looked at some pictures and found some that could potentially work for me. Now keep in mind, I do not have the awesome hairstylists/make-up artists these lovely ladies have on hand, but I think the styles would work with me!

Seriously wish I had her eyes, the fabulous make-up, and dress. She is seriously so pretty! But I love the softness of the cut, and the angles of the layers. Could I get some stylist too please?

This is someone who I personally find tacky, but her hair style/cut is pretty darn cute and actually looks darling and simple to maintain.

And here is #3. So what do you think? I will post a picture from the make-over last year, since that gives the best shot of my face (although my hair is very different from than, since I am pretty much back to my natural color of brown and of course my hair is different.)

I am not blonde, although considering either adding some softer highlights or softening the brown, but I am just itching for some change and to get my hair to an easier point so as to be less maintenance. So hoping for some feedback, and hoping to do something cute with it!

Getting Excited

2010-08-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

I think I need to take some pictures because apparently Mike needs something to break up all the "word" posts. :) So I promise to work on that. We had a celebration dinner tonight. What were we celebrating, might you ask? Getting to move to one-a-week appointments! Our appointment went really great today. We even had Collin with us (we were pretty nervous since this was the first time he tagged along with us!) He was cute and was on his best behavior. Our baby is stable, with the same teeny little pocket on the right side of the chest and the same amount on the left. The shunt is still in place, and everything looks pretty good (all things considered!) The tech took some semi-cute pictures of our little guy in 4-D (cute because he is ours but I still think ultrasound pictures are just not that cute) and I will have to scan them when Collin is awake, since the printer/scanner is in his room. And whatever-his-name-will-be looks a lot like his big brother Ryker. It is pretty cute to see such strong similarities. They have the same little nose, the same frown lines, and are just both so cute! The doctors are just astounded at how things look, considering how sick he was and how much fluid there was. Our perinatologist is funny because he keps calling in his colleagues to show off how great our baby looks. He is one proud doc. I go next week for a fetal echo at Primary's, and our doctor told us to tell our way funny cardiologist that he needs to tell us exactly what is happening and how this has all happened. And we seriously will, since we love to give our cardiologist a good laugh. I love being on the positive side of things, and living the miracle. Because even with the fluid, we can actually start to make plans for our baby. What a miracle to be able think and plan the "little" things, about how we will layout Collin's room (since he will be sharing with his little brother, or the blankets/bottles/outfits/etc. It makes us smile. He still has a journey, but knowing that we can make plans for him brings us a lot of peace. I know that we could never be where we are without the prayers and fasting for our baby from our friends, family, and all of you. Love befuddling the doctors in a good way.

Somber

2010-08-28T20:10:00.000-07:00

I had another good appointment yesterday. Our little guy is stable and although there appeared to be a bit more fluid on the left side than on Monday, we still are feeling good about how he looks. We are grateful for that. Starting to allow a little more hope that we will be able to hopefully bring this little boy home safe and sound.

My somberness stems from my little brother. He is in Afghanistan, which if you ever hear an ounce of news, you know it is a scary and unstable place. I miss him like crazy, as I know the rest of my family does, especially his sweet wife. I got to talk to him last night, via Facebook. It still is crazy to me how someone can be around the world and you can still communicate pretty easily with that person. I loved talking to him, but it broke my heart. Jacob has always wanted to be a soldier. It was a good step for him. He has been in the National Guard since he was 17, and has provided structure that he needed. But Jake has always been the sweet brother, the soft-hearted soul. Out of every family member on both sides, the one person I worried about the most when we lost Lilly and than Ryker was Jacob, because I knew it would hurt and wound him so badly. In talking to my sweet brother, he talked of what he has been through since he has been in the country. I am afraid he will never be able to overcome the Hells he has seen and experienced. I want him to tell me, so that I can support him, but it makes me cry to hear everything. He talked about his unit being attacked in the middle of the night, being bombed as he made his way back from the bathroom. I will not go into the politics of this war, but I just wish it could be over. I just wish that no one ever had to worry about their loved ones going to war, of the physical and emotional turmoil they would face, during and after. So tonight, when you say your prayers, please pray for our troops. Please pray for my brother Jacob. Pray that they will be kept safe, that they may be able to return home to their families and that the emotional scars may not be heavy. Love you Jake.

Thankful for Miracles

2010-08-23T15:47:00.000-07:00

I am calling it a miracle, because to me it is. We had our perinatology appointment today. The tech was scanning, and she has not seen us in a few weeks. So she was shocked to see such little fluid. Dr. S. came in and scanned, and was just amazed. The right side of the chest has barely anything, a teeny tiny pocket of fluid at the front of the chest, so small it really is next to nothing (especially comparing the amount it had just last week.) The left still has a bit, but there is shunt in place to drain, so we are not concerned. I still have to go twice a week, but he says that if things continue to look as good as they are (or dare I say better?) that we are looking toward delivering at the full-term mark!!! I am so excited, still nervous, but excited!!! I am 28 weeks and 3 days. I delivered Lilly at 37 weeks and 5 days, and delivered Ryker at 37 weeks and 1 day. 37 weeks is full-term, so if I could get our baby to anything past we would just be thrilled!!! We have been so nervous the last five weeks, and cannot even believe how different our baby's lungs look from than till now. I cannot think it is anything less than a miracle to get to where we are. We just pray things continue to look as good. So thank-you for the prayers. This little boy is a fighter. He still has a road, but at least he is moving in the right direction. :)

A Great Day

2010-08-19T20:49:00.000-07:00

I have been very, very anxious about today. Even sitting in the waiting room today, I just could not shake my anxiety. Our doctor returned today. It was wonderful to see him, since he has seen us through a lot. I asked both sets of parents to be there, because there was supposed to be a care conference. But the awesome part is that they did not need too. This little guy actually looked better! I am carrying quite a bit of fluid, but the good news is that our little guy seems to have less. His right side actually looks like it has decreased, and to me pretty significantly. This is wonderful and amazing, since he does not have the shunt to drain the fluid on that side. And there is very little on the left side, so the shunt appears to be working. And the doctor said it is debatable if there edema on the chest.

He feels like maybe this is congenital chylothorax. I am not sure if I have discussed chylorthorax before. It is something we actually have experience with. Every body has a lymphatic system. The lymphatic system is important to the body's defense mechanisms. The cardiovascular system and lymphatic system are closely related, and run through the body somewhat similarly. It filters out organisms that cause disease, produces certain white blood cells and generates antibodies. Lymph is a milky body fluid that contains a type of white blood cells, called "lymphocytes," along with proteins and fats. When heart surgery is performed, it is very easy to nick the lymphatic system, which causes the lymph to dump into the pleural space (around the lungs.) So Mike had Chylothorax when he had heart surgery when he was 12. Ryker also had Chylo, as well as our niece Gracie. Treatment is the placement of a chest tube and diet without fats. Now similarly, there is a condition called Congenital Chylothorax. It is caused by an abnormality when the lymph system is developing. It can have several causes, and than sometimes no apparent cause. It usually resolves itself anywhere from in-utero to after the baby is born. So when we see less fluid, we are hoping that maybe the suspected case of chylothorax is resolving itself.

They are still monitoring twice a week, because we do not know what will happen, but we have more hope today than we have in a long time. I just long to be able to hold my sweet baby in my arms. We long for him to be healthy and not have to experience physical pain. There is nothing worse than seeing your child in pain and having to suffer. Breaks your heart. So we are crossing our fingers, that this little miracle holds and that possibly we are seeing him on the road to the fluid resolving itself. We still have some road bumps, and I still will have to deliver at the University of Utah, but there truly is so much hope for this baby. We are pretty worn out right now. Collin has been sick. So when you have a beautiful day like today, it brings peace.

Our Appointment

2010-08-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

We had our biweekly appointment today with maternal fetal medicine. Our regular doctor will be back in the office Thursday, and another appointment is set for than. I actually really liked the doctor that I met Thursday and that we saw again today. She is very kind and seems firm on getting a plan in place. She was going to call all of the other doctors today, and set up a care conference for later this week. She talked with our doctor on Friday, and even talked again with both of the fetal surgeons also. She wants everyone to meet together (some of that will be via conference calls) so that we can work out a plan and have everyone on the same page. She said the goal is to get me to 32 weeks. Later would be great, but with Hydrops, you just never know. She is worried that with me hitting 28 weeks this week, that we could need a plan in place in the event they have to take the baby before the optimal 32 weeks (shall I add here that 32 weeks plus would be optimal of course?) So she wants a plan for what to do in different scenarios if something changes before the 32 weeks mark. Do we place another shunt, do we drain fluid, do we deliver the baby? The problems with placing more shunts is that anytime you do something that punctures through the amniotic sac, you risk labor. And the more pokes, the greater the risk for rupturing, labor, infection, etc. And when they drain fluid, it seems to come back almost by the next day. The doctor told us today that the point of getting fluid is not to give more room for the lungs, but to keep the hydrops from further spreading because of the pressure it places on the heart, thus impairing optimal heart function. I hope this little guy can cook longer and be healthy until 32 weeks, but we have many unknowns.

So what did we see with our little guy today? He looked pretty good last Thursday, and we were hoping to see the same picture again. Things could have looked worse (and we saw him looking pretty blah last Monday) but things did not look as good as last Thursday. The fluid on the right has stayed about the same. But there was a small pocket of fluid on the left. The shunt was still in place, which is good, but there is some edema on the skin again. Still, not as bad as it has been. This is one of the reasons I go in twice a week, to monitor how things look. We are still optimistic, and the doctor was really positive. Seeing her felt something remotely close to our doctor, just that she really seemed on the same page as he has been with us and she was sincere. But we are anxious to see Dr. S. back, because really he is truly the best. The technician wanted to show us some fun things, so without even asking her, she did some 3-D pictures. Now I am not one of those Moms to say the ultrasounds are cute and they look like so and so. I love seeing my children, but really and truly I think ultrasound pictures make the babies look like little aliens. Hope I did not offend anyone with that, just a personal opinion. But it was cute seeing him with skin and just seeing him almost cuddling against the wall of the placenta. So I guess you could say he was cute as you can be without being seen in person. He had hiccups again, which thrilled the doctor. And he was drinking the fluid again. I think that is about it. Sorry for the novels, it is just a lot of information to take in and this is the best way to keep everyone updated.

Feeling Prettty Darn Good

2010-08-14T22:02:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my mother-in-law tonight, and she made the comment "you sound so much better." It is true. I was so miserable for such a long time. Might be T.M.I. (too much information) but my OBGYN thinks I had a UTI (urinary tract infection) from the middle of May till now. That mixed with emotional turmoil makes a pregnant mom miserable. But really, I am feeling better than I have in a while. I am still tired, still chasing an almost 18 month old, still carrying a lot of fluid, but better. I am still nervous about our little guy. I am more optimistic than I have been in a long time, and hopeful he will one day be home with us. But I still worry about the what-ifs and will-he's (what if the shunt comes out, what if it stops working, will he come early, will he come home to us?) but I am just trying to enjoy the positives. Our little guy is so active. He was somersaulting last night, and Mike kept laughing at how active he is. Mike loves to feel him move and kick at his hand. I think it truly makes this more real for him. We think he is a night owl, although that being said he still wiggles a lot through the day. He is just really more active at night. I love his wiggles and kicks. I sometimes wonder if it is the last time I will feel a child grow and kick inside of me. But like I said,

I am trying to enjoy the "good" moments.

This was the first day in nearly a month that Mike and I were both home with Collin, without having any doctor appointments. Poor Collin I think has started to sense the stress of everything, that things are not only hard but about to change. So we decided to spend some quality time with him, and take him to the Farm Country at Thanksgiving Point. Mike and I had a lot of fun with Collin and he loved every moment of it! I have to do a funny comparative picture of the last time we tried to take Collin to Farm Country.

Collin and Mike September 2009

When we took Collin to Farm Country last September, he HATED it!!! He cried, screamed, and probably felt like it was the end of the world. Even the harmless bunnies were terrifying! This time was a blast for him.

So today he was tickled to see so many of his favorite animals up close (and sometimes too personal!) He would make us a little nervous (sticking fingers into cages or near mouths) and with the larger animals sometimes he was unsure, but all and all he just had a lot of fun with the animals.

He loved the goats. We gave him corn kernels to feed them, and Collin thought it was pretty funny having a goat lick his hand.

He would want to pet them, and the goat was not sure that was so much fun, so Mike did his best to keep our little curious guy from losing any fingers.

This is probably my favorite picture. Like I said, Collin loves animals. He loves baby animals even more. He was so soft with the little baby goat (she was only about 1 1/2 months old.) He just kept softly petting her and saying "soft" (something we are trying very hard to get across to him since he likes to hit.) But with a new baby hopefully coming into our family, he has to learn to be soft and not hit. But it is so sweet to see him so gentle and realizing how sweet and new this little goat is.

He loves horses, and has a pretty good horse's neigh sound down. And whenever he sees a horse, he starts his neighing. Although Collin liked the horse, I think he was a little shocked how big his beloved horses really are. Still wanted to pet them though.

Another of Collin's loves are ducks. He knows ducks and even likes to "quack-quack" when he sees one (whether in real life or his rubber ducks.) I do not think he appreciated being so separated from the ducks. Collin usually is allowed to get closer to the ducks while feeding them.

And here is Collin with the bunnies. The picture at the top just shows how funny different ages and stages affect how kids feel around animals. That picture still makes me laugh :)

Collin rode the pony (with Dad at his side the whole time!) I am not sure what he thought. He seemed to be getting tired, so after about 4 turns he was ready to get off. I think he was more interested in petting the horses, because when we pulled him away from petting the mane of the pony, he was not a happy camper.

My favorite part of the day was this cute heifer. She seemed to be sporting a runny nose, and really enjoyed the corn we fed her. But feeding her was pretty gross, because she would lick the corn off your hand with her huge wet tongue. So not only would you get cow slobber, you would get snot from her runny nose also. Pretty gross, but she was still cute. She was really good about allowing the kids to pet her.

And that is the end of our Farm Country visit. I think Collin loved having both Mike and I, without being shuffled off to family and friends as we headed to appointments. He has really tried to be so good throughout the last 3-4 weeks, but I know he has missed the time he gets to spend with us. He had a Mommy day today, wanting me to hold him, and give him loves. I was more than happy to oblige. Tomorrow will probably be a switch to Dad, and after days like today getting lots of kisses and loves, I am okay with that.

Whew, time to sign off on this novel. I have an appointment Monday and probably Thursday, and we are hoping to see the shunt on our little guy still working and for him to grow and look good. Hopefully we have many more good days to look forward too!

Some Pretty Great News

2010-08-12T16:56:00.000-07:00

Just a little change. The perinatologist who saw me this morning called this afternoon. She said she has a change to what she told me this morning. She said the reason she was acting so cautious and did not talk to me long was because she really wanted to call St. Mark's and talk to the fetal surgeons who did the procedure on Monday. She sent them the pictures from this morning, and they were just so happy with how they looked. The edema on from his chest up to his scalp had pretty much disappeared, and even though there is still fluid on the right side of the chest, the Hydrops seems to be fading elsewhere with the placement of the shunt. She said they could not believe how well he was already recovering, and that he just looks good. I could have cried tears of joy. I did not want another shunt placed, it was one of the most painful things I have gone through. So to hear that he is looking really good, and that they will not place another shunt (hopefully ever if this shunt works long enough) I just could not have been happier. These last 3-4 weeks have been Hell, and though we are certainly not out of the woods with our little guy, this is the kind of news we needed. She still wants me to be seen twice a week, but is very encouraged with just how much of a fighter he is. So there is our happy news! I know that this is truly a little miracle. I know that we are being prayed for, and watched over. I am pretty certain Lilly and Ryker have been near. The other night, Collin was laid down around 8:20. We thought he was alseep, until about 9:40 when Mike went downstairs. He could hear Collin upstairs, in his crib, just babbling and babbling on, and jumping in his crib. I told him I wondered if Lilly and Ryker had come to visit and play with him. Just cannot stop smiling.

Some Good News, and a Plan

2010-08-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

So Tuesday, we had two appointments. The first was at Primary Children's. We had the usual with the techs (gotta love the techs!) scanning our little guy, and than Dr. P. came in to do his own scanning. We really like him. It's fun to give him a hard time, and he is very caring. The first thing he said to us was that although he did not have the answers as to why this is happening, he did have love and he could give us that. We got a good laugh out of that. They still cannot see the aortic arch like they need to, so it remains a suspected coarctation of the aorta. He took us to the "situation room" and sat down with us and the nurse coordinator Kim. He asked what the plan was with regards to the Hydrops. We told him it is unsure, although they did place the shunt with the potential to place another on the right side. I talked to him about wanting to try what we could (within reason) to give this baby a chance to live. He agreed. He told us that we would need to deliver at the University of Utah, and than our little boy would be transferred over immediately to Primary's and have an ECHO. They would decide from there whether he would need the prostaglandins necessary to keep his PDA open if the coarc was severe. He said that while we know the risk with the Hydrops, and potentially delivering early that we do have a major plus on our side in that our son is strong and moving (they could not get him to stop wiggling for a second!) and that his heart does look great, and the function is great. I go back to them after Labor Day to check things out.

My second appointment was for St. Marks. It was with a Dr. from maternal fetal medicine, and he is partners with the two that performed the shunt placement. He said the shunt looked great, was draining well and that they probably would place another on the right side. He wanted me to follow up either up there or down where my perinatology group is. I went today (my perinatologist is still not back in town:( sad day) and saw the doctor for maybe a minute. The tech scanned the baby (we love her too, she has done a good majority of our scans) and baby looked great and his growth is right on track. The doctor again confirmed that the shunt looked great, was draining beautifully, and that her recommendation is to have another shunt placed, this time on the right side. This was right along with what I was thinking. The shunts typically last 2-12 weeks, so if we could buy our little guy some healthy growing time, that would be great. I am supposed to hear from St. Mark's this afternoon, and I am thinking that maybe Monday they will place another one. It hurts, a lot, but the ease of stress of knowing our little guy can grow and develop like he should is so worth it. So the plan is most likely to place another shunt, ease down to one perinatology appointment a week if all goes well with the shunts, have the shunts continue to work, and get the baby as far along as we can (safely) since each and week count right now. I am starting to look at maybe being able to carry him to 34 weeks, which is my long term goal for now. But I would be thrilled to just get him to 30 weeks, which is just 3 weeks and 2 days.

I have felt better the last two days than I have in a long time. It was cute to see our little boy gulping the amniotic fluid today, something he was too sick to do the last two weeks. He even had hiccups on Tuesday during the ECHO, was was pretty cute too. He moves a ton, and hates it when I accidentally lean to much on my stomach while trying to sleep. I am tired, but that's what being nearly 27 weeks along does to you, not to mention our little almost 18 month tornado. He is learning not to hit. I think the stress of everything at home mixed with having a lot of "playdates" during our appointments does have an effect on him. But we are hoping that if this shunt works as well as the first, things will calm down for a couple of weeks so we can have some quality time with him before we start having to split our time between the little brother and Collin. I think that is about it. Thank-you to everyone who has been so kind. This has been hard, and although I feel like I have a sort of reprieve, I know we are from safe. But we sure are going to enjoy the "quiet" moments.

It's Been a Day

2010-08-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

We are home. Happy to be so, glad that things went really well. The perinatologists/surgeons were amazing, so smart and really nice. They looked at the baby and decided that he needed to have fluid drained off. They had me go down to labor delivery, after discussing everything with us and our parents. It took a long time to get all the paperwork filled out, and than to get everything set up. I felt like I was back having a c-section, since they are all scrubbed down, gowned, etc. for the procedure. And there was a drape to keep it sterile (which I was perfectly fine with. Mike watched the whole thing. They numb me with lidocaine, and than move down to numb the uterus and baby. They gave both me and him a little lidocaine and fetanyl mix, which was nice not to have to feel the pain since the initial numbing hurt so bad (a needle through your uterus with a mix of drugs that burn put me in tears.) But I am glad to not have felt pain and especially our baby. Than they started the procedure. They slit an opening into your belly (mine was right below my belly button) and they carefully maneuver a tube down through my belly, into the uterus, and through the placenta. They hold steady there, while figuring out the perfect spot to enter the baby.

(This is all of the fluid, along with the silver catheter of sorts that they used to place the shunt. Ouch!!!)

They than move into the space between the lungs and chest wall, where they carefully place a shunt, pulling and pushing till it curls on the inside and out. It started draining right away. They were going to place a second on the other side, but decided to drain the fluid instead. They drained 35 ml off the right side (a little over an ounce) and after the sides were very lopsided, actually pushing the heart into the right side of the chest. So they decided to just go ahead and drain the fluid off the left. They drained 80 ml, which is nearly 3 ounces of fluid off the left side. We were just shocked. This is about 3-4 ounces of fluid off his lungs in total. We were so relived that they were able to place the shunt successfully and without complications.

This is me being thrilled to eat some "real" food. I was starving, and my first meal was so yummy (crackers and Sprite, whoo-hoo!) So after monitoring me for about 2-3 hours, I was allowed to go home. I contracted pretty good at first, but they got less and less after time. My incision/stitches below my belly button kill, but I did not realize that till after I was getting dressed and about to go. So I am trying to make do with ice and Tylenol. So now the question is: where do we go from here?

We need to optimally get this baby to about 30+ weeks. The problems we are facing with that is that this little boy is sick. The doctor scanned me before we went home, and there had already been a lot fluid that accumulated into his left side. Hopefully it will work how it should. He is not swallowing fluid like he should, so I will have an excess of fluid until he feels better, since normally everything is working well and he is swallowing the fluid and wasting it off. But there is edema from his lower chest up to his scalp, which makes it hard to do what he is supposed to. And they hope the shunt will work like it is supposed to, but the shunt may not work. His heart has also been squished with fluid, so was a bit small. And is diaphragm is also being constricted. We hope that this is a congenital chylothorax, and since they do heal with maturity, there is hope. This is just about careful monitoring and watching our baby. I go for a fetal echo tomorrow, and than go later this week to check shunt placement and fluid. The tech said he is measuring a little ahead, and that he is probably seriously is one of the most active babies she has ever seen, so both positives. So we continue to wait, worry, and hope. I will be 30 weeks on the 3rd of September, and I just need to make it at least that far along (hopefully further.) Anyways, I think that is about it. I just wanted to thank all of the angels who have watched Collin. It has been priceless knowing he is in such wonderful hands, and it brings us peace just knowing at least one of our babes is safe and being so well cared for, even loved. We also are grateful for such wonderful doctors and medical technology, and hope our little boy will be a little medical miracle and defy the odds. Well I will sign off and update tomorrow. Not sure what we will see at fetal echo, but just hoping for some answers!

Nerves

2010-08-08T21:57:00.000-07:00

I am not sure whether to cry, scream, or laugh, or maybe do a bit of all of them. I have been a wreck, and I am trying so dang hard to keep it together. I need to go shower, need to go pack my just-in-case-bag. Need to get off of here. I thankfully have an OBGYN appointment in the morning, with the appointment with fetal surgery taking place early tomorrow afternoon. I know there are many prayers that have been said in our behalf, but there are still so many emotions we are facing/feeling. I am hopeful this kid will keep baking in his little oven longer, but I am just terrified of something happening tomorrow or soon after. I worry about something happening to him and losing him before I even get to say hello. I worry about my little family, my sweet husband and Collin. I keep thinking as this little boy kicks me tonight, "will this be the last I feel you really active?" (I do feel him during the day, but it is much more noticeable at night after I can sit and relax.) Too many unknowns in my opinion. I wish I had the crystal ball to foresee what is planned for our little boy.

I also wish we could pick a name. If Jacob were not so popular, that would be his name, since I have a brother Jacob. And he is a hero to me, and is going to Afghanistan this next week after training the last month across the country. Jacob was always my sweet brother, the gentle soul of the family. I need a strong yet gentle soul in this little guy. I would name him Benjamin, but I have unresolved issues with the name, and it makes me nervous to do so. I like Oliver, I even like Colton (although having two "C" names is probably something I could never do:) and yet I come around circle to still not knowing what his name should be. I was hoping to have a name picked tentatively by tomorrow's appointment, but like I said, we are no where closer. Anyways, I need to go get showered and finish my preparations. What I will say, is that I am grateful for our support in our life. Family does not always necessarily equal support, but what we may lack in any family support, we have had in our dear friends. And I know I would be sitting in the looney bin were it not for those who have loved, supported, and cared for us! So until tomorrow. I had better go eat something too since I have to be NPO (nothing by mouth) since there is the risk of having a c-section tomorrow. Yikes.

Just Tired

2010-08-05T15:13:00.000-07:00

I am just exhausted, physically and emotionally. Living this life of appointments and frustrations wears on you. I felt like the appointment I went to today (well other than being able to spend time with one of my best friends) was pretty much a complete waste of time. I started contracting last night and the contractions were pretty intense. Mike finally made me go into labor and delivery. They were coming about every 1-2 minutes and were spiking high. Our little guy was kicking and his heart looked great, but I just felt so miserable. I feel like my belly has really swelled, and although they checked, they could not see anything overly concerning and so gave me some medicine to stop the contractions and sent me home to sleep, since I was seeing perinatology this morning. I ended up waiting 45 mintues to go back, another 40 to actually talk to the doctor, and she did not want to do anything. My normal doctor is just such an amazing doctor and although I like this doctor, it is just not the same. I have polyhydraminos, which means I have to much amniotic fluid. Normal fluid (AFI level) is 8-18, mine is over 23. I am still contracting here and there, not as bad but I feel tired, and miserable, and just stressed. I wish I was 37+ weeks because on days like today I wish I could be done. I am not sure what I am supposed to be learning here, but I do not want to learn anymore. I just want to have a normal healthy baby, healthy pregnancy and that is it. I am going to go lay down now, and sorry for the slump but this truly just gets exhausting.

Not Sure What to Say

2010-08-02T18:45:00.000-07:00

On Friday, we were given three potentials as to what we would see today. A.) The fluid would still be gone. B.) There would be some fluid back. C.) There would be just as much fluid as there was Friday. We were hoping for A or B, but sadly what we saw was C. It was hard to see that fluid back to where it was last Friday. We still do not know what is causing this, and I wish we did. So now we go to step 2, which is not what we wanted. I have another perinatology appt. on Thursday, where they may drain more fluid, but in the meantime, we will be in contact with St. Mark's hospital in Salt Lake with their fetal surgery team. They want to schedule an appointment for next Monday where they will meet with us, scan the baby and place a shunt. The shunt will be inserted through a huge needle (the amnio was a 20 gauge, and this one will be around a 14 gauge.) They carefully will insert the needle through my abdomen, through the uterus and placenta, into his chest, straight to the pocket of fluid around the lungs. It will be coiled like a pig tail on the inside and outside of the chest, with tiny holes to drain the fluid out, using the pressure of the heart and lungs. It typically will last somewhere between 2-12 weeks, but it just depends on whether the shunt stays put, or if the baby moves it out of place. And with how active the baby is, having the shunt move would not surprise me.

There is about an 8-10% risk of the procedure starting labor or causing other problems which would mean having to have a c-section (not something we want.) I will be just over 26 weeks next Monday, and every day and week count critically right now. I was also given the first steroid shot to help the baby's lungs mature and will have another dose tomorrow. I have long term/short term goals for delivery. My ideal is 34+ weeks. My medium goal is 30+ weeks. My short term is 28+ weeks. It is just really hard to have a premature baby, as well as having Hydrops to further complicate the prematurity.

They checked the fluid they drained last week and although the test is not 100% accurate, the fluid was 97%
lymphocyte, which lends to the potential of the Hydrops being caused by chylothorax (Google chylothorax for further explanation) and it can be fixed with maturity typically. But we do not know. I also have another fetal echo scheduled next Tuesday to check for heart defects that we may not just be seeing. So basically, fluid back to what it was, not sure how quickly it came back, possible draining again this week, meet with the fetal surgery team at St. Marks next Monday, still not sure what is causing this, but waiting and preparing for this baby in case something happens.

It was hard to hear this news and not be disheartened. We still are hopeful, but at the same time very realistic of what could happen. Our doctor seemed discouraged that our little guy has taken this path. The harder part is that he will be going out of town for two weeks, and he will be missed since he truly knows this case so well, and he is very smart and kind. I am going to sign off, because I am pretty drained. These appointments just take a lot out of us. We are getting by and truly feel the strength of prayers and kindness shown toward us. So thank-you, and hopefully one of these days I will have something more positive to post :)

Hope

2010-07-31T18:00:00.000-07:00

I know so much of our life has been consumed with getting through each day, each week, trying to be good parents to Collin, trying to be a support to each other, and living. Some may call us selfish for not realizing other's feelings, but one thing I have found when you are faced with a trial that changes your world, you start to run in crisis mode. And that is where we are at. I was reading a friend's blog, and she posted about two families who are suffering. I read the blogs of these two little ones, one, a cute little girl named Preslee, who just a few months older than Collin. The other little guy Jake, was still pretty little, although I am not sure how old he was. There journey was very much nearly the same, in that they were both very little and sadly passed away from two separate drowning accidents. They both were such special little spirits, truly noble and valiant. And as I read their stories, I started to cry. I was looking at pictures of a sweet young mother holding her only child, and my heart ached for her. The strength of both of these families is remarkable. I remember those days after Lilly and Ryker's funerals and feeling the peace. I try to find the peace in my life while dealing with this little one, but I am scared. I do not know what my Father in Heaven's plan for this little one will be. I pray it is for him to journey here on earth, to stay with us and teach us how to be better parents. I always feel bad for Collin, for although he is our third child, he is much our first born. And I want so badly to be able to give him a little brother that can empathize and be there for him. I want to be able to hold this babe in our arms and do the normal things with him. I do not know if that is asking for too much. I hope not. I know we are receiving the best care possible. Our perinatologist is the best possible Dr. for this little one and for us, and I know that every decision he makes is meticulous and well thought out. I think what hurt the most about reading about the losses of the sweet little girl and boy is that is just hits home. It something we have been through, and I realize it is something we could face again. There are no words that will make it any easier, but I know that as we fight for the chance for our son to live, he has two of the best little guardian angels watching over him. We pray that through the skilled hands of our doctors, through the prayers and thoughts in behalf of our little guy, that maybe our outcome will be the miracle so many have asked for. I am not sure my ramblings made sense. I guess I just felt the need to out my words out there. I think we will have to hold on to the hope.

Something I Hope to Never Have to do Again

2010-07-30T13:44:00.000-07:00

We had a long morning. Our appointment was at 8 and we left a little after 11 this morning. I am tired and wiped, and I am going to have to take it easy. They scanned our little guy a ton, checking and rechecking. There is some edema (swelling from fluid) on his scalp, which is part of the suspected hydrops. We are hoping that does not change significantly, but it is something that will be watched. They started the procedure, and if you have ever been through an amnio it's rather similar. I was laid back and with the guidance of ultrasound the doctor placed a needle through my abdomen, through the uterus (which is the painful part) and into the baby's chest. I have teared up today thinking about the pain this little one has gone through and not understood why or what was happening. It did not hurt too bad the first time, but I very nearly passed out. It was weird to feel so dizzy, feel like I was going to be sick, have my vision start to fade and not be able to hear clearly. I kept telling myself I could not pass out, but really and truly the last minute or two of the procedure I do not remember much. I was given juice and fed after and felt a lot better. The doctor had me walk around and try to get the baby to move, because after draining 20mL of the right side of the lung we needed the baby to move so they could drain the left side. So after about an hour, we were able to get him in to a good position. They did have to go in twice, but they were able to drain 25mL off the left side. We go back Monday to see how things look, and we are hopeful but still realistic. The hardest part of today was knowing that although what happened was needed (since 1 1/2 ounces of fluid is pretty significant in someone so small) I have never yet caused any one of my children to be in pain while they are inside of me. It has always been their safe zone. When they were going in the second time, the baby tried swatting at the needle, and although pretty amusing, I just kind of felt sad that he is so little and already having to feel physical pain. Anyways, I need to go rest so I will sign off. I will do what I have to so that he will have the best chance at life as possible, but we are still just living week to week. Thank-you all for your prayers.It was truly beautiful at the end of this to see him looking pretty normal (at least for the moment) and brought us hope that maybe he will be strong enough to fight this and have a chance at normalcy.

A Plan of Sorts

2010-07-28T18:43:00.000-07:00

So after talking with our perinatologist this afternoon (who truly is just really wonderful) we have decided to try and drain some of the fluid off of this little guy's lungs. He talked with some of his colleagues and they feel like this would be the best next step since we currently do not know what the cause of the Hydrops is. I am going in bright and early on Friday. It will be approached much like an amniocentesis, something that is not comfortable and that I do not look forward to. We had an ultrasound today and I have not heard the official report but from I could tell, there was more fluid around the lungs. We are not sure how long this will work, and we may have to have it done again. But we do feel like this is the best step to allow for lung development and that it will buy us some time for this little guy to grow. We are praying it works, because doing this procedure does make us nervous. The general feeling is that the benefits do outweigh the risks, so we turn it over to God's hands and the hands of our doctor. I will have to take it easy and rest, but we will update as to how it went. I am not sure where we go from this, but it is at least something for now. Can you tell I am a bit nervous?

Not Good News

2010-07-26T15:06:00.000-07:00

Oh, what a day. Our appointment/ultrasound was this morning. Our biggest hope was to see either less fluid or for amount to stay the same. While the tech was scanning the chest, I could see two pockets of fluid but was really hoping I was just seeing something different. Dr. S. came in, and he talked quite a bit about what was going on. He was not expecting a dramatic change in a week, but not only was there more fluid on the left lung, there is now also fluid on the right lung. We are just shocked and baffled. Dr. S is too. He called our pediatric cardiologist to confer with him. He just does not understand how something as small as a coarctation of the aorta could be causing this, and he wants Dr. S to look into different avenues, which he was doing already. Dr. S is calling it Hydrops, but what is causing the hydrops is unknown. I had labs drawn to recheck my blood type and RH sensitivity, and also to check for previous infections (CMV, Parvo virus, and Toxoplasmosis) and another test but the name was really strange so I do not remember what it is called. He is just really concerned. He wants to do an amniocentesis to check for infection. The great thing about already having had a chromosome study is that we for sure have one less reason to worry. He is also conferring with a couple of other doctors that do fetal surgeries to see about possibly placing a shunt to drain the fluid. We discussed the strong potential of delivering this baby early, looking at weeks instead of the months I thought I would have. I will be six months along on the the 13th of August. And I will be 25 weeks this Friday. We discussed looking at steroid shots to develop our little guy's lungs, but I am utterly terrified delivering such an early baby. I will be having another c-section pretty much for sure. So again, there are so many unknowns and we just do not know where to go or what to do or think. Having an early baby is pretty scary, and when you add any other problems, it just makes it that much more terrifying. We are just shell-shocked for now. I feel like throwing up, because it just kills me to think about saying goodbye to another child. We truly are trying to hold onto hope that he will be okay, but there almost comes a point after you get knocked down time after time that it is hard to get up, and even harder to fight. I am going to sign off and try to sleep. I feel so worn out.

What We Are Dealing With

2010-07-20T17:49:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, (on a much smaller scale) this is what was basically seen. That blue/white space is where a pocket of fluid has formed. Because there was only one pleural effusion seen on the ultrasound, it rules out Hydrops Fetalis for this week. The reason I will go back every week is to monitor this pocket of fluid. Our doctor ideally would love for it to grow smaller and/or for no other pocket to appear anywhere else in the body. To be given a diagnosis of Hydrops Fetalis, there would need to be two or more pockets elsewhere in the body. The pockets typically are seen around the heart, the neck, the stomach, under the skin, and the baby can actually have pounds of edema from Hydrops. Hydrops terrifies me. Some of the pictures I saw are terrifying, and the statistics equally terrify me. But I have also read success stories and viewed pictures of children doing well. My biggest hope is that this pleural effusion either goes away or remains a single pleural effusion. Here is some info about Hydrops:

If there is a family history of any of these factors, there is a higher risk for Hydrops.

Jaundice in other family members or in previous child
Family history of twinning (specifically, monozygotic)
Family history of genetic disorders, chromosomal abnormalities, or metabolic diseases
Congenital malformation in previous child
Previous fetal death
Hydramnios in earlier pregnancies
Prior hydrops fetalis
Previous fetomaternal transfusion
Congenital heart disease in previous child

We have five of these factors. Here is the link for the info on Hydrops. But for those of you who want the basics, here are the facts.

How does Hydrops Fetalis affect my baby?

"Hydrops fetalis is a symptom of a problem with the baby. An infant/fetus with hydrops is severely compromised. The earlier this diagnosis is seen the worse the prognosis. Some of these babies may even die before they are born. When the diagnosis of immune hydrops is made, it needs to be treated as an emergency and immediate arrangements are made for treatment. The treatment will be partly dependent on the gestational age at which the diagnosis was made.

There is a 60 to 90% fetal mortality associated with non-immune hydrops. This mortality rate is dependent on the underlying cause. Many of the underlying congenital anomalies (birth defects) have an extremely high mortality rate in and of themselves. Generally, the earlier in gestation that fetal hydrops is seen, the poorer the prognosis.

What is my baby's long-term prognosis?

Long-term prognosis is guarded. These babies are critically ill even if they do survive to birth. Of the fetuses diagnosed prenatally, only about 20 percent survive to delivery. Of this number, approximately half will survive the neonatal period. Long-term survival for those that make it through the newborn period is based on the underlying cause of the hydrops. The data currently shows an optimistic outlook for those babies who do survive.

Because this little guy (whose potential names right now are Colton or Oliver) also has a coarctation, we are very concerned because not only could he be dealing with Hydrops, he will have to have his little heart repaired. Unless the fluid goes away, I will have a c-section, and they will immediately intubate this baby. You can see why we feel so stressed at even the possibility of Hydrops. I am also at an increased risk for my health if this develops into Hydrops.

"Hydrops may be complicated by preeclampsia and/or mirror syndrome (involves pregnancy-induced hypertension or high blood pressure with renal/kidney involvement) in up to 50 percent of the cases of non-immune hydrops. With mirror syndrome, symptoms in the mother mirror the symptoms in the fetus and can be life-threatening for her. Mirror syndrome can happen at any time during the pregnancy and can persist even after the baby is born. The only treatment for mirror syndrome is immediate delivery of the baby and/or when possible, treatment of the fetus to resolve the hydrops. Preterm labor can be a complication of polyhydramnios (as well as preeclampsia)."

If this remains the pleural effusion, than we are again questioning as to why the pleural effusion is happening. Yesterday, this baby's heart function looked great. But there has to be a reason the pocket of fluid is there. We than bring in the question of whether he is in heart failure. And if it is heart failure, we are looking to when we can safely repair the problem. I wish I lived back east. I would be going up to Boston, where they are doing in-utero surgeries. We also have to watch the development of the left lung, to ensure it is growing during this critical period. The doctor talked to us about removing the fluid off, whether by a one time needle aspiration into the baby's lung while inside of me and removing it that way, or possibly placing a shunt to drain the fluid.

So those are the basics for now. As you can see, so many unknowns. It is frustrating to feel so out of control. Our families will be having a fast this Sunday for our little boy. Anyone who can or would like to join in that effort, we would be very grateful to. It is very difficult to hold onto faith, when you feel so crushed and broken. I am having a hard time keeping myself together. I have cried a lot, and am going through so many emotions. My biggest hope is to not have to attend another funeral for one of my children. So if I seem sort of testy, or short, or just seem like I do not have a handle on things, it is because I do not. Mike called me this morning to ask how I am doing. I told him the dog had been taken out to the bathroom, Collin had been changed and was in clothes, and I had gotten dressed. And I told him that would probably be it for the day, and it was. So thank-you for the kind words and support. We are hanging on by threads for now.

Crappy, Crappy Day

2010-07-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I am going to bust. I have laughed today so as to keep from crying. We had our perinatology appointment today. The tech scanned us, things looked good from her end. Our Dr. just got back from vacation today, so was actually on the phone with our cardiologist right before he came in. He could not believe this baby had a coarctation, and so his focus was trying to get some shots of the heart. Now coarcs are very difficult to diagnose while in-utero, and the baby was not in a good place for our doc to see the aorta fully. He scanned around, when he showed us something pretty concerning. The baby has what is called a pleural effusion around his left lung, which set right alongside the heart. This is very concerning for a 23 week baby to already have a pleural effusion. He has two huge worries. The first is that this baby could potentially be in heart failure. When he said these words to us, I lost it. The second worry is that the pleural effusion is the beginning of a condition I do not understand or know very much about called hydrops. But what hydrops does is it can cause pockets of fluid around the heart, lungs, stomach, etc, causing the baby to need be born early the baby is sick. And when you mix a heart defect in there, it is just scary. There are so, so, so many unknowns right now, and I truly feel like I have been fried. I have been told that to have three children with such significant problems is just insane, nearing impossible. I have to start going to perinatology weekly for now, and I really feel like we will be living at Primary's again sadly. I need some quality carbs right about now (I am thinking some Olive Garden) and just feel like we wish we knew more, could understand why this is happening, and what to expect. But none of that will be answered anytime soon. There is the possibility that this baby could come pretty early, potentially within weeks, which terrifies me. I guess I had better get to nesting. We are just praying that this baby will be as healthy as possible. I hate the unknowns. I hate not being able to plan or understand. We are in the waiting game.